We took our very first baby step (if you'll pardon the pun) into the wonderful world of fertility treatments this morning. It was our first day of testing at the clinic.
I keep wondering how many steps will follow this one - and what the end of our journey will bring - but a wise friend and my wise Beloved have both told me to stop thinking of the entire process and focus on each small victory along the way. And despite appearances to the contrary, that's what I'm trying to do.
So score one for me.
Today I gave up a thousand and one vials of blood, submitted to two ultrasounds (neither one overly pleasant) and waited with my similarly bandaged spouse to find out if my innards were in working order.
Affirmative. Well, as much as they can tell from two ultrasounds. Our blood tests will be back later today, and I return next week for more probing and pricking - from Thursday until I ovulate.
What fun. But all for a good cause, right?
All for a good cause.
Oh Lord, how did I get here? That's what I was wondering as I was lay on the exam table this morning, gazing heavenward at the slightly askew ceiling tiles while a strange woman I'd only just met took pictures of my insides - from the inside - with an enormous wand.
This is just not how it should be. I know the world doesn't owe me anything and I know that many, many people have it far worse than we do, but after what we've been through I think it's the ultimate slap in the face that we need help getting pregnant. It's not fair. It's not fair at all, damn it.
And I have nowhere to register my complaint.
So my only option is to keep going - to keep thinking about the next step and to keep summoning the courage to take it.
I so need a cookie.