Wednesday, July 19, 2006

I've changed my mind

Okay fine. I know I said that all this fertility testing business wasn't so bad, and I distinctly recall saying that the relief I felt having someone else worry about all this was "carrying me along quite nicely." And I know I said all of this just two days ago.

But I've changed my mind. This is annoying, all this fertility clinic business. I've been in a foul mood for two days because I'm sick of having blood sucked out of me and wands stuck where they don't belong.

This is not how making a baby is supposed to be, damn it.

Today the ultrasound technician asked if I'd had a previous C-section. Apparently you can see the scar from the inside out. After I answered, I suddenly felt the lead blanket of sorrow wrap itself around me in its old familiar way.

She didn't ask any questions beyond that so I was able to lay there in silence, remembering when ultrasounds were an opportunity for me to catch fleeting glimpses of my beautiful little Thomas while he was cradled, warm and safe, inside me.

I'm empty now, except for a nice ripe follicle that seems irritatingly reluctant to rupture. That and the scar.

I feel like I could sit here and cry an entire river of angry, sorrowful tears. I'm tired. And none of this is right. We shouldn't have lost our boy and we shouldn't have to be working so hard to have his sibling now that he's gone. We shouldn't have to keep working so damn hard at everything.

And yet we do, because what other choice do we have? Asking why me? is pointless because it doesn't change anything. We did lose our boy and we are struggling with infertility. I could stand on my front porch and scream obscenities into the dark summer sky until I'm blue in the face. It will all still have happened. I can't change a single thing. I can only try to move forward as best I can.

I'm trying very hard to avoid wallowing in self pity. Woe is me is ugly when it goes on for too long - when you start enjoying it a little too much. Don't get me wrong, everyone needs a good wallow every now and then, it's just that it feels too early in the game to succumb to the temptation.

I told My Beloved that I felt bad about already being so frustrated with the testing process and he very wisely pointed out that I don't have to like it - that most people probably don't, as a matter of fact.

So I decided I won't either. I won't like any of this, except for what it will hopefully bring us at the end of it all.

In the meantime I'll just go on hating the dildocam, and the blood tests, and the invasion of privacy, and the uncertainty, and the fear of the unknown, and the feelings of failure and inadequacy.

I'll go on hating them so much I could truly scream.


Anam Cara said...

Kristin, I am so very sorry. How I wish we both had the power to change all of this. Big (((hugs))) to you.

Erin said...


Chrissy said...

((((Hugs)))) I am so sorry that you have to work so hard for this. I hope the appointments go by fast and the result is cradleing in your arms in another 9-10 months. I hope all the testing seems like a small bump in the road when you look back at this time.

kate said...

(((((((hugs)))))) Yes, it just isn't right. I am hoping it is a short process....and that you will pg soon...

Nina said...

I remember my excitement about all the testing...finally, there will be a reason for everything! Sure, the violations and the vampires are not fun....but neither is IF. Hopefully, all this trouble and effort will result in something very special. There will be a light at the end of the tunnel....and once you get to that will all be worth it.

Abby said...

I hate it all for you, too. H&S and prayers coming your way, as always.

lauralu said...

i can't imagine what person in their right mind *would* enjoy what you're going through right now. perhaps the benefit is all the annoying aspects give you something on which to focus your anger.

Lisa P. said...

Hugs. Lots and lots of hugs.