Monday, July 31, 2006

Where is God in all this?

Yesterday was not a good day. Well, not for me and God, anyway.

I woke up with that old familiar feeling that this cycle wasn't going to end in a baby, but in tears instead. If you're a woman who has spent any time TTC, you kind of just know when the end is near. I mean, the fat lady hasn't sung yet, but I'm pretty sure the end is near just the same. There are signs.

And if I'm not pregnant we'll move into the treatment zone. More dildocams, increasingly invasive procedures and most certainly drugs.

All this was running through my brain as I drove to church, and I found myself shaking my head and quietly saying, "You're going to make me do this, aren't you? You're going to make me go through all this after everything we've already been through."

Maybe it's just me, but frankly that doesn't seem fair at all. And so I was seething by the time I sat down in the pew.

It figures the theme of the Mass would be "God answers your every need." It just totally figures.

I'm not saying God is bad. God has given me many, many wonderful blessings that I'm thankful for every single day of my life. I have an amazing family that I adore, a wonderful husband that I thank my lucky stars for daily, friends who have been there for me in ways too numerous to count, health, love, happiness - I have blessings coming out the wahzoo.

But has God been there for me in my greatest times of need? I don't know. I don't just mean he chose not to save Thomas, I mean he's kept his distance ever since. I can't find him, and believe me, it's not for lack of searching. I've asked, in fact begged, him to help me - and I remain as confused as ever about his place in my life.

Where is God?

I believe he's there. I do. I just can't figure out who he is because he's not the God I grew up believing in. And maybe that's my fault. Maybe it's the church's fault. Maybe he is what he is and we've made him out to be more than that - formed him into the God we'd like to have instead of the one he actually is.

I don't know. And he's certainly not particularly interested in telling me.

I believe God is good. I believe Thomas' life had purpose and that he was called to heaven because his time here was meant to be brief. And I believe we'll probably never fully understand why.

What I don't understand is why God has vanished - why I'm floundering so pitifully in the deafening silence of the voice I used to hear. There's no comfort where I used to find it and I haven't got a clue where to look now.

He isn't giving me what I need, despite what the readings on Sunday said. Jesus fed 5000 people with three loaves and two fish to prove that he could supply our every need. I am one girl desperately hungry for even the smallest crumb and all I'm hearing is crickets.

I suppose I could attribute the outpouring of support I've had since Thomas died to the kindness and love of God. I guess I could give him that - and for that I'm grateful. But what I've lost, besides my son, is faith in God. Not in him as an entity, but in him as a being who really can give us what we need if we just open our hearts and ask.

I have asked. I've begged. I've cried. I've been tormented by this on top of the torment of losing my baby and it's wearing me down. And wearing thin too.

Maybe I'm crazy and asking too much, but I just thought that somehow God would have made sure that if I had to lose Thomas, in the bloody aftermath of grief and recovery I wouldn't feel like I'd lost God too.

I would have thought that at least he'd have given me that.


Sherry said...

I also wish I knew where He is. I hate that you, too, are having to venture down this new and scary path after everything that's happened.

It just doesn't make any sense - why would He want us to deal with this on top of everything else? Haven't we already proven how strong we are without piling on more grief?

I desperately hope that that tiny morsel you're seeking is one day yours, and you can start anew with God.

stat763 said...

I've been reading your posts for a while now and I just want to thank you. So much of what your say is in my head but you write it so much better than I ever could. I also lost my son and I know exactly what you are going through...I often wonder where G-d went. It is bad enough we lost our precious babies, why is it so hard to get pregnant again??

Have you when When Bad Things Happen to Good People?

miraclebaby said...

Girl, those words could have been mine a few months ago... I just wish I knew what to say, but in reality I am still struggling with my faith, too. I choose to believe but I don't hear God any more. I used to be close to Him, but now I find myself trying to shield my heart from Him because I feel afraid of what He might ask from me next. I don't know all the answers (wish I knew someone who did) but I do know that in this I have only hurt myself and sometimes wonder if it really is God not speaking or is it me waiting to hear what I want Him to say rather than what He is saying. I don't know, but sometimes I wonder. So many things around loss and IF are a mystery to me and I don't see the purpose. But most days I just choose to believe that God is who His word says He is and that does not change even when I do...

Abby said...

I wish I had the answers for you.

To be honest, I struggle with my faith, too, because of what happened to you and Sherry and all the women who have lost their babies. It seems so cruel and senseless, and I can't understand it.

I hope your faith is restored someday, and I hope God makes his voice heard in your life soon. You deserve that much.

kate said...

I don't know and i wish i did. It does seem just senseless, and like there are no answers. And quite often the 'answers' that the church provides don't really cut it.

I skipped church on sunday to go to a bridal shower, and now i am glad i did!