Well now I've heard it ALL

It's a holiday Monday, I'm tired, I'm bored, My Beloved is napping, and I'm consumed with thoughts of the upcoming fertility testing I know is on the horizon in the next several weeks. Well, not so much thoughts as fears, really.

I'm afraid that they'll find something, I'm afraid that they won't find something, I'm afraid of stepping back into the hospital where Thomas was born and died for my HSG, I'm afraid of having to go back for more invasive procedures depending upon what the HSG reveals, I'm afraid of all of this becoming a science experiment, I'm afraid of never being pregnant again, I'm afraid of getting pregnant again - it's a "you name it, I'm afraid of it" kind of thing at the moment.

So in an effort to amuse myself I wandered onto eBay and typed "fertility" into the search engine (as though someone might be selling a cup's worth of it for a reasonable price). Among the African statues, celtic jewelry, vitamins, OPKs and ovulation monitors, I found this: The Ultrasonic Subliminal Fertility Aid CD - an "audio brainwave fertile mind program".

Or hogwash, as I like to call it.

There's an impressive list of technologies associated with the CD, including Quantum Subliminal Matrix Technology, Audio Brainwave Entrainment Technology, and Dual Channel Binaural Panning Technology, which all sound terribly authentic and, well, technical. But I smell smoke and see my reflection in an alarming number of mirrors.

Basically I think it's a steaming pile of horse shit.

I'm hip to the power of positive thinking and I'm aware that stress can do some pretty dastardly things to your body, but I don't for one moment believe that you can, and I quote, Instantly relieve yourself from any anxiety, stress and pressures related to the process of beoming pregnant by listening to their CDs. I don't buy it for one second. And, frankly, I think it's reprehensible that anyone should attempt to market this crap to people who are at their most fragile and vulnerable - and willing to try almost anything, even listening to an entire track of silence.

Yup, I said an entire track of silence. The first three tracks are ocean sounds with subliminal messages - oh, sorry - "psychoacoustic audioscapes" playing beneath them. The last track is just dead air, also evidently known as "ultrasonic silent subliminal programming".

So, for just a little over $13 plus shipping and handling, I can apparently listen to the ocean for a while, then listen to nothing at all, then get pregnant and not worry about a thing.

Sounds good.

Too bad it's still a steaming pile of horse shit.

Just in case someone from the steaming pile of horse shit company Googles and takes offense, I would like to state that this is my uneducated opinion only. I have never tried the CDs and can't vouch for their effectiveness or lack thereof. It's my own humble opinion that they're shit and not worth the cost of the plastic they're burned on.