Friday, June 30, 2006

Two boys

I know it's probably a little odd to know things like the exact date of a person's conception, but when you're trying to have a baby, you find yourself knowing a lot more than you ever dreamed you'd know about your body - about what it does, when it does it and how you know it's working properly. All the ins and outs of trying to conceive, if you'll pardon the pun.

I've done a lot of research over the past three years, since we started trying in July 2003, which is how I know that Thomas was conceived on this day, June 30th, 2004.

It's the same day that our nephew was born. I remember going to the hospital with My Beloved after work to see him and I remember crying on the way home. We'd lost two of our own babies by then, and it was difficult seeing what we were trying so hard to have - what seemed so painfully out of reach - especially when he was just so sweet and new and perfect. It was hard knowing that we'd lost something so precious.

I held Nathan in my arms for as long as I could keep him from the arms of the other eager family members, not knowing that a miracle was happening inside my own body at the very same time. My son.

I've always felt a strange connection to Nathan for this reason.

Four days later I held him again. I rocked him and comforted him until he fell asleep in my arms.

He made me feel like I could be a mommy - a real one that could offer comfort and soothe a tiny, crying baby to sleep. I sat on the couch at my in-laws and held him while My Beloved and his Dad watched TV and my niece played nearby. I felt so peaceful, and still had no idea that Thomas was there, quietly growing while I practiced mothering someone else's little boy.

Thomas never felt me hold him, but I hope that somehow, during those sweet and wonderful nine months, he knew how much I loved him and how much I couldn't wait to hold him and rock him and soothe him to sleep too.

Happy Birthday Nathan, and Happy first day, my sweet Thomas.

4 comments:

Shannon (shan977) said...

(((HUGS)))
He knew then and he still knows now. He will always know how much you love him.

Nikki said...

Oh Kristin I know Thomas knew your love for him was more than he could have ever hoped for and still knows how deep your love for him is he watches over you and keeps you in his angelic arms holding you and trying to give you some comfort....its a love a mother and child always share and have an eternal bond forever. ((((HUGS))))) sweetie and happy 1st day Thomas what a special day to share on Logen's 10 month day

spinarella said...

((((HUGS))))
Thomas knows how much you love him, and how much a part of your lives he will always be, regardless of place or time. Thinking of you, and hoping his day was a gentle one for you.

kate said...

(((((((hugs))))))) Happy conception day, Thomas...(by they way i know that day for all my kids...)