Friday, June 16, 2006


I haven't looked at Thomas' pictures in a while, other than the one or two we have around the house in frames (always the same one or two).

So I decided to take a look at all the rest of them just now. I missed him. I wanted to see him again.

And it was weird. So much time has passed that I can barely believe he's mine anymore - that we made him and I carried him and gave birth to him. I looked at him with confusion, longing, sorrow - agony.

I had so little time with him, I can really only remember him from these photos, which makes him less real in so many ways.

I hate that.

I stopped on one particular picture, one of him shortly after he was born with a million tubes and wires protruding from his tiny, perfect body, and I had the urge to grab him, yank out all the equipment and run. Just run, run, run away with my beautiful little boy.

I would give my life to hold him just one more time. To feel the weight of him, warm and soft, in my arms.

I guess that never goes away. Not even after almost 16 months.

Shit. Shit, shit, shit.

Most of the time I can look at his pictures and feel more love than sorrow. Or at least feel love first before I notice the pain.

But not today, for some reason. Which means I have to go find a way to distract myself. Laundry sounds good - and I have to move the hose soon. That'll do for now.


Sarah said...

I've been wanting to feel Kate's weight in my arms again too...

Hugs... I guess these feelings will always resurface occasionally. My therapists's son died 15 years ago (after labor complications) and she has said she still feel the loss (it just isn't constantly the biggest feeling in her life anymore).

miraclebaby said...

I am so sorry you have to miss him at all. The only thing to hope for on days like this is that maybe tomorrow will not be as hard and that maybe the future has good things in store. I hope and pray that good things come for you soon. Not that it would take away the fact that he is gone, but that it could ease the pain a bit at a time....

kate said...


No, it never goes away -- but like Sarah's therapist says, after awhile it isn't the biggest thing in your life anymore. But it never goes away.

lauralu said...

i think i understand. sometimes i can look at hans's pictures and just love him, and sometimes it is too much and i have to stop. as much as i felt like i knew him, i feel like i know him a little less every day. it sucks.

Abby said...

(((HUGS))) I hope you found some distractions, but I wish you didn't have to.

I think the beach in July would make an excellent distraction, don't you? :)

Anonymous said...

((((HUGS)))) Im sorry your feeling such pain and I wish I knew what could help but I know you will continue to have your good days and bad, just know you have many friends who are willing to distract you!!!