How to water the lawn and garden in 70 easy steps

Step 1. Slather sweet-smelling sun block onto doughy, underbelly-of-a-fish-white arms. Wipe the excess off on shorts. Ignore legs, which haven’t seen sun since Prince partied like it was 1999 and could use a little exposure.

Step 2. Take a quick peek at the windows of neighbouring houses to determine if anyone will get a glimpse of said doughy arms and snowy legs.

Step 3. Venture out.

Step 4. Dig sprinkler out of giant Tupperware container posing as makeshift tool shed, being careful to check for spiders and other crawlies that might find the inside of a giant Tupperware shed-tub interesting.

Step 5. Attach sprinkler to hose.

Step 6. Secretly gloat at how smoothly the process is going thus far.

Step 7. Jam sprinkler anchor into grass.

Step 8. Turn on water

Step 9. Quickly realize that sprinkler is in the wrong spot.

Step 10. Turn off water.

Step 11. Uproot sprinkler and move one foot.

Step 12. Turn on water.

Step 13. Quickly realize that sprinkler is in the wrong spot.

Step 14. Turn off water.

Step 15. Uproot sprinkler and move another foot.

Step 16. Turn on water.

Step 17. Watch sprinkler fttt-fttt-fttt-ftttt its way around the yard.

Step 18. Duck behind the gate to avoid getting wet as the sprinkler passes by

Step 19. Get wet anyway.

Step 20. Once again realize sprinkler is in the wrong spot.

Step 21. Decide to turn water down instead of all the way off.

Step 22. Uproot sprinkler and move two feet, getting wet in the process.

Step 23. Turn water to full strength.

Step 24. Watch sprinkler fttt-fttt-fttt-fttt its way around the yard.

Step 25. Determine sprinkler is still in the wrong spot.

Step 26 Begin fuming.

Step 27. Turn water down and move one foot, getting wet in the process.

Step 28. Turn water back up.

Step 29. See a glimmer of hope.

Step 30. Determine sprinkler is in the right spot.

Step 31. Rejoice.

Step 32. Step on anchor handle to securely jam sprinkler anchor into the ground.

Step 33. Feel your heart sink as you hear a “snap” and watch the sprinkler fall over, its anchor now buried somewhere in the lawn.

Step 34. Paw through the muddy, wet grass in a vain attempt to find the broken anchor (thinking horrible thoughts about someone stepping on its rusty, partially buried head sometime in the future).

Step 35. Give up looking for anchor, but determine where you think it might be using immovable yard landmarks. Make a mental note to check for it in the early spring before the grass starts growing.

Step 36. Turn off water.

Step 37. Mutter unthinkable curse words while unhooking broken sprinkler from hose.

Step 38. Fling broken sprinkler on the ground in a fit of rage.

Step 39. Storm inside to retrieve back-up sprinkler from garage.

Step 40. Track bits of grass through the house.

Step 41. Take off water-soaked watch and deposit someplace where it will be difficult to find the next time it's needed.

Step 42. Take back-up sprinkler outside.

Step 43. Attach back-up sprinkler to hose and place in a good spot.

Step 42. Turn on water.

Step 43. Determine that sprinkler is in the wrong spot.

Step 44. Turn off water

Step 45. Move sprinkler

Step 46. Turn on water.

Step 47. Determine that sprinkler is in an okay spot, but needs to have additional side jets opened to reach the edges of the garden

Step 48. Turn off water.

Step 49. Open side jets.

Step 50. Turn on water.

Step 51. Turn water up.

Step 52. Turn water up.

Step 53. Wonder why water won’t turn up.

Step 54. Assume it’s a pressure issue that has something to do with additional side jets.

Step 55. Stand there watching sprinkler not reaching the edges of the garden.

Step 56. Determine that instead of watering the lawn and gardens all in one shot, sprinkler must be moved to a new location and then moved again in an hour.

Step 57. Turn off water.

Step 58. Move sprinkler.

Step 59 Turn on water.

Step 60. Suppress the urge to cry.

Step 61. Turn off water.

Step 62. Move sprinkler one foot.

Step 63. Turn on water.

Step 64. Hold breath.

Step 65. Release breath in a quiet sigh of victory.

Step 66. Retreat inside.

Step 67. Track more bits of wet grass through the house.

Step 68. Locate watch.

Step 69. Determine that the entire process took the better part of an hour.

Step 70. Quietly pray that no one was watching.