Monday, August 07, 2006

Let's talk some more about me

I'm in a bad mood, but I don't know if it's me or the Clomid.

Let's blame it on the Clomid, shall we?

I don't know much about this alleged baby-inducing wonder drug, but I do know that it's going to be my scapegoat for the next three weeks or so. All foul moods, crying jags, cold shoulders and snarls will be blamed squarely on that benign looking little pill. And his four brothers.

I'm skeptical of Clomid. I can't shake the feeling that all it's going to produce is a string of dark days and a torrent of tears.

My Beloved, if he reads this, will want to curse me for not thinking positively, but I've done just about all the positive thinking I can. None of my positive baby thoughts have led to a live baby, so it's far easier for me to believe that this isn't going to work either, no matter how positive I am. I'm not superstitious enough to believe that THAT'S what's going to prevent me from getting pregnant - not thinking happy enough thoughts, I mean. That's complete rubbish.

My mind is a powerful thing and all, but I'm fairly certain it's not the cause of my secondary infertility.

And if it is, I will certainly need to figure out a way to properly harness that power into some sort of money-making venture. Mustn't let it go to waste (particularly not with the cost of fertility treatments these days).

I do believe that stress can do some dastardly things, but surely crack whores lead stressful lives, and they get pregnant with alarming frequency, don't they? Or is that just what those of us with funky plumbing and corrupt uteruses think when we're in Clomid-induced hazes? Maybe, but even one successfully breeding crack whore is enough to blow the "stress" theory out of the water as far as I'm concerned.

I've long forgotten how to relax anyway. That's stuff of long ago and far away.

When I looked at the Clomid before I swallowed it this morning, I wanted to cry. I get that I need help conceiving and that any baby that is (magically) produced after all this poking, prodding and scientific intervention is still a product of the love between My Beloved and me, but it still seems like an awful way to make a child - with pills and dildocams and bloodtests.

I'm not sure if I've mentioned just how much I'm hating all this. And oooooooh, perhaps the worst part of it all is the nauseating self-absorption (for which I apologize profusely).

Stay tuned - I think tomorrow we're going to talk some more about me.


kate said...

((((((((hugs)))))))) I've never run the gamut of fertility issues so i have no helpful advice or wise words. I am sorry you have to go through this and i have my fingers crossed for you that it works!

Sarah said...

I feel like I live in a never ending world of self absorption... so talk away. Overwhelming emotions and feelings can't be wished away. And if they are exacerbated by the drugs, then, in my mind, you have even more justification to vent. Especially here!

And, I’m so sorry that you’re on the fertility treatment road. I hope it is a short detour to get you to a pregnancy, a successful baby crying, can’t blog successful pregnancy.


Catherine said...

I suspect that in your "real life" you are anything but self absorbed and you just need a safe place to let it out. I think this is a very good place to do that. {{{hugs}}}

Shannon said...

Longtime lurker here, just jumping in to tell you that I AM very hopeful for you, though I understand why it's hard for you to feel that way yourself. Just wanted you to know I'm pulling for you.

Abby said...

Talk all you want -- about yourself or whatever you feel like talking about. We're here to listen. That's what friends are for. H&S!

Chrissy said...

I hope all my PT might make up for any that you don't have right now. I hope the fertility treatments are short and help to produce a baby in your arms very soon. I hope in the grand scheme of things you will be looking back at this time as wonderful because it helped you achieve a healthy pregnancy and healthy baby. ((((hugs))))

lauralu said...

if positive thinking were the key to having babies, then my first son would be here and my second son would not.

i think that the act of pursuing conception, of taking that damn pill, of moving forward - that requires a tremendous amount of hope, which is really what positive thinking is about. you're moving forward - what's more positive than that?

Bronwyn said...

I agree with Laura -- I think what you're doing is very positive! And re: the Clomid side effects, it's different for everyone, so you may luck out and not have much to report. I got a few hot flashes and was *slightly* more emotional, but nothing too drastic. Whatever happens, we're all here to listen to you cry, scream or vent in any way that you need to. (((Big hug)))

JellyJen said...

((HUGS)) I hope the Clomid is kind to you and brings wonderful results!

Carolyn said...

You's your blog. OF COURSE we are going to talk more about you. And more, and more and more. Keep it coming!

Anna said...

Longtime lurker here...Wanted to say that I took Clomid for three cycles (1st round 50 mg/day, 2nd and 3rd rounds 100 mg/day). It does bad things, but I got lucky on the third round...and this baby boy is SO worth it all.
Hope you get lucky on the first try!! I'll be thinking of you and praying for you!

Rosemarie said...

Talk we're listening. We are all here with you.

Jules2pies4me said...

Talk talk talk! I come here to make sure you are, and I'm so glad to find you....somewhere!