Friday, August 25, 2006

Trial by fire

Last night I dreamt that the house burned down. My Beloved and I stood on the front lawn with our jaws on our chests watching everything we have go up in smoke. The only thing My Beloved was able to reach in and save was Thomas' teddy bear - the one who appears in the precious few pictures we have of our baby, and who now sits on our bed every day.

It was night, and the flames licking up the walls of the living room and engulfing the pictures on the piano were almost beautiful. I guess they would have been if it wasn't all so horrible, and if it didn't mean that the fire was erasing everything and taking all that I have left in the world from me.

I then found myself alone on a dark street near my parents' house trying to find my way to my old home. I was scared, and so because I knew I was close enough for it to be okay, I closed my eyes and ran as fast as I could. I don't know how it's possible to run so far with your eyes closed, but because it's a dream it totally makes sense that when I opened my eyes I was about 70 kilometers from my Mom and Dad's house.

Good and lost.

I wandered into a bar to ask for directions. The guy behind the counter was someone I knew - someone who knew we'd lost Thomas. He didn't help me, and when I turned to leave I heard him say, "I bet she wishes there were fewer hours in the day". And I knew what he meant, because if there were fewer hours there'd be less time to feel the aching sorrow that still eats me up on a good day.

When I went back outside it was daylight. I looked at the unfamiliar street signs and decided that I'd just try walking in the direction that seemed right to me, even though I had no idea if it was actually the right way to go. I was about to take my first step when I felt a hand in mine. I looked over and saw My Beloved, who had somehow managed to find me even though I'd disappeared from the fire, run through the night and gotten horribly lost in the process. He found me.

He wasn't sure which way was the right way to go either, but we set out anyway. Together.

I woke up happy.


Shinny said...

That was one heck of a dream. I know that there are websites out there that you can analyze your dreams on to try and figure out what that sneaky subconsious is trying to tell you. Just a thought. I wish that there was something I could do to help you through this all. The only thing I can do is offer you my love and support through the internet.
If you need a vacation you can always come to Wisconsin. Just say the word. ;)
I am glad, though, that you woke up happy. Happy is good. ;) Take care and I hope that you start having a few more better days and dreams soon.

Denise said...

It's good when our dreams reinforce what we already know. Despite all the crap that is thrown at us our significant others will always be there with their hand outstretched to help us when we need them most.

Julie said...

((((Hugs))) I am glad this wild dream had a happy ending...I know in my heart your real life will too someday soon.

Nicole said...

I'm so glad that even in the worst dreams your beloved is there to hold your hand and help you through.

Anonymous said...

Wow what a dream and you write with such feeling and emotion it makes me feel like Im pulled into your thoughts and getting a sense of life for you its werid and maybe Im not saying it the right way ughhh anyhow I just love to read your blog I think you need to become a writer your truly talented!!! Im glad your beloved found you he truly is your soulmate ;)