Last night I dreamt that the house burned down. My Beloved and I stood on the front lawn with our jaws on our chests watching everything we have go up in smoke. The only thing My Beloved was able to reach in and save was Thomas' teddy bear - the one who appears in the precious few pictures we have of our baby, and who now sits on our bed every day.
It was night, and the flames licking up the walls of the living room and engulfing the pictures on the piano were almost beautiful. I guess they would have been if it wasn't all so horrible, and if it didn't mean that the fire was erasing everything and taking all that I have left in the world from me.
I then found myself alone on a dark street near my parents' house trying to find my way to my old home. I was scared, and so because I knew I was close enough for it to be okay, I closed my eyes and ran as fast as I could. I don't know how it's possible to run so far with your eyes closed, but because it's a dream it totally makes sense that when I opened my eyes I was about 70 kilometers from my Mom and Dad's house.
Good and lost.
I wandered into a bar to ask for directions. The guy behind the counter was someone I knew - someone who knew we'd lost Thomas. He didn't help me, and when I turned to leave I heard him say, "I bet she wishes there were fewer hours in the day". And I knew what he meant, because if there were fewer hours there'd be less time to feel the aching sorrow that still eats me up on a good day.
When I went back outside it was daylight. I looked at the unfamiliar street signs and decided that I'd just try walking in the direction that seemed right to me, even though I had no idea if it was actually the right way to go. I was about to take my first step when I felt a hand in mine. I looked over and saw My Beloved, who had somehow managed to find me even though I'd disappeared from the fire, run through the night and gotten horribly lost in the process. He found me.
He wasn't sure which way was the right way to go either, but we set out anyway. Together.
I woke up happy.