Wednesday, August 09, 2006

Yeah, so about that twin thing...

I think I need to backtrack a little. A good night's sleep and an HSG sure can change a girl's mind. Particularly when it turns out she's only firing on one cylinder and was built with faulty equipment.

One blocked fallopian tube and a bicornuate uterus. Fan-fucking-tastic. For the blissfully ignorant (and oh how I wish I was among your ranks) a bicornuate uterus is heart shaped, and formed when two uteruses (uteri?) joined to become one way back when I was but a tiny peanut in my own mommy's tummy.

You'd think with two uteruses I'd be the world's most fertile woman. But apparently not.

I can't even bear to consider what affect my flawed interior design may have had on Thomas - or what part it might have played in his death. I just can't bear it. Not today.

I don't really have enough information to know how all this affects our future breeding prospects either. I was unable to ask any intelligent questions as I lay there on the table with dye oozing out of my nether regions and the shock of it all hanging around me like a thick fog. My doctor seemed optimistic for me - one tube and Clomid are enough, according to the good doctor - but he also admitted that he'd need to see my ultrasounds (which he hasn't, as yet) in order to get a good handle on things.

I really think he just wanted to get to his lunch. How he could even think of eating after what he'd just done and seen is a whole other puzzle. But that's his problem, not mine. I have enough of my own to think about, thank you very much.

So there you have it. I'm good and broken.

And I'm not entirely sure how I even feel about having babies anymore. Is it fair to keep trying if there's a possibility that more babies could die because of me? I don't know. I don't know all the stats and odds and risks yet (except what I've gleaned by poking around online) so it's premature of me to make any decisions (not to mention the fact that I'm not the only one who gets to make this one).

But I'm just saying, I don't know how much more of this I can stand.

The more answers we find, the more I crumble inside under the weight of the guilt I haven't been able to shake since Thomas died.

Who knew there was more where that came from?

18 comments:

Jules2pies4me said...

Oh sweetie I'm so sorry it went badly. I want you to think of something though...one word....Abby. There's absolute hope. AND isn't that what an HSG does is blow out a blocked tube? I mean that's what they promised me if there were issues. Just trying to throw you some hope. Please don't blame yourself, Thomas knows better than that (((Hugs))))

vixanne wigg said...

I'm so sorry that this was the outcome. I did a brief search on bicornate uteri and it seemed like while it could contribute to pregnancy problems there was still an excellent change of a successful pregnancy. One site I read mentioned increasing blood flow...I suppose by either baby aspirin or something like heparin. I'm sorry they didn't find this out sooner. :( But it is not your fault.

Nikki said...

Krisin you are not broken the outcome of course is not the news you hoped to hear but your Dr seems optimistic and I think for good reason, yes it make make being pregnant more of a delicate issue next time but at least you all know what is going on and can keep an eye on you and monitor you much more closely. You are not the cause of Thomas' death I hope in your heart you do not believe that you gave him life for those 9 months and share something many may not experience, yes it was all ripped away from you and god only knows why its not fair and I hate that things havent been much easier with TTC etc I just wish I could give you what you needed to make it happen....can I donate my uterus to you??? I mean Im not using it really I know you may laugh but I would do whatever I could to help it hurts me to see ladies suffer like you have and I just wish it was as easy as snapping my fingers to make it all right again!!!! I just want to scream so loud for you arghhhhhhhhhh please god if your listening bless dear Kristin bless her with another beautiful child she is a wonderful friend and mother and a child would be so fortunate to have her in there lives!!! O.K sorry about the weirdness near the end my emotions are running high today ((((((HUGS)))))))

Catherine said...

A gal on my Due in June message board lost her twins due to a bicornuate uterus. She decided she couldn't try again. She is now the mother to her own child, carried by a gestational surrogate. I think I've linked her story on my blog before (I can't remember). But there are many options. Take a deep breath and stay away from Dr. Google. You don't have to absorb it all today and you don't have to make any decisions today.

{{{hugs}}}

Erin said...

(((((HUGS)))))

delphi said...

This isn't good news, but take your time to ingest it all. It is just so much to think about - probably Google isn't your best friend right now. Just know that I am thinking about you.

Abby said...

I'm so sorry you have to feel broken on top of everything else. I wish so much that you had gotten better news.

(((HUGS))) sunshine and prayers coming your way, as always. I'm here if you need me.

Denise said...

Big ((hugs)) - I'm sorry you received the news you did. Matthew was conceived with a screwed up tube from my ectopic PG if that makes you feel any better. Maybe your designer, heart shaped uterus won't be an issue...I hoping that is the case and that you can add to your family soon.

Margaret said...

(((((Hugs))))) I'm sorry the news wasn't what you'd hoped.

Bronwyn said...

Finally having answers can be such a mixed blessing... I'm so sorry that the results were so disconcerting. Thinking of you and hoping that you will find a way to bring a child into your family, one way or another...

Nina said...

I am sorry your news was not the greatest in the world and I hope your optimistic RE has some ideas and possible solutions for you to have the family you want. Sending many hugs your way!

Jennifer said...

Just so not fair. But I don't have to tell you that. I'm so angry for you... and I'm sending you many many hugs and good thoughts....

Scrappy_Lady said...

I know that this seems so very bad to hear the news, but to my warped sense of the world it offers an explanation that wasn't there before. Things, completely out of your control, have made it hard to get pg, and may even play a role in your m/c and in losing Thomas. You knew none of this, and couldn't do anything about it. Now, you have a TON more infomation and can approach this with a fresh new outlook. Before, there was unknown, now, there are obstacles that are clear and can be negotiated. I know it seems odd that I'm posting positives about such a crap-tastic diagnosis, but knowledge is power. You can't fight what you don't know or don't understand.
((Hugs)) to you all as you start this next round of the fight. My heart tells me that you will win.

stat763 said...

It really is overwhelming to hear all this information, especially when you had no idea that any of this was going on inside your body. Give yourself time to let it sink in and then maybe you can use the new information to go forward. I have read about many women having successful pregnancies with once blocked tube and a bicornuate unterus.

Hugs to you, this whole ttc after a loss sucks. We all deserve to get pregnant and have healthy babies asap.

kate said...

Wow, i am so sorry....((((((hugs))))))) I agree with everyone else, it is not your fault and take it easy with Dr. Google. I think it is excellent that your RE is optimistic, and i think you need to take some time to digest this news. Also, take it easy physically -- HSG's are not the most pleasant thing, eh?

Anam Cara said...

Kristin, I am so sorry.

Queen Beth said...

Hi. I just wanted to say that I am not a medical professional, but I was born with 2 uteruses (uteri?) and I successfully gave birth to three healthy children and lost only one baby by miscarriage early on in pregnancy. There are wonderful new surgeries now that can fix your bicornate uterus. In my case, I had two complete uterus; each one had it's own fallopian tube and ovary, AND two cervixes, one vagina. Very strange and depressing when I first found out. At 17!! I was told I would NEVER have children. Then I found an OBGyn who gave me hope. Surgically fixed some things and I ended up with 3 children.

I suggest finding a doctor who actually knows what is going on and is willing to deal with you lunch break or no. 3 years ago I did end up having a hysterectomy because of endometriosis problems.

Good luck! There is hope!

Lisa P. said...

Ok, the other thing I wanted to post (from my comment at the top of the page) - are they planning to do an MRI or anything to confirm it? I say this because my reading before getting surgery on my septate uterus seemed to indicate that there were occasional misdiagnoses based on an HSG and that an MRI or 3D ultrasound is a much more accurate way of determining the shape. Email me at my blog email address if you like, I think I have some of those articles saved.