Tuesday, November 22, 2005

Hold Mommy's hand

My Beloved and I just went for a very chilly walk. It's a beautiful night though - it was definitely worth the cold cheeks, chin and partly frozen thighs. There's a light snow falling and it looks so beautiful against the smattering of Christmas lights that are already up and lit for the season.

I can't believe It's November. It seems like yesterday that we were sweltering and suffering through smog day after smog day. I know I've said this before, but really and truly I have no idea where the time is going. It feels like at this rate I'll be 80 before we have dinner tomorrow night.

Anyway, as I always do when we're out walking at night, I looked at the empty space between my shadow and My Beloved's. It's Thomas' spot and I always imagine him there, snug between the two of us. I know it's nuts, but I keep thinking one day I might catch a glimpse of his little shadow too - just a whisper of it, maybe out of the corner of my eye.

It wasn't there today, but I held out my hand anyway. I saw the shadow of my mittened hand fill part of the space between us and I said in my head, "Hold mommy's hand". Then I closed mine.

And I kept on walking.

It's a stupid little ritual that only a crazy lady in mourning would do, but it keeps him close. And I don't think there's anything crazy about wanting that.

1 comment:

Jill said...

Not crazy, just a mother's love. Believe me, when you are walking along the street it is an involuntary action to reach out for your child's hand even if they are with someone else and quite safe. So I'm guessing he must have been there for you to reach for him like that:)