Tuesday, November 08, 2005

Sick and tired

I'm sick and sad today. I have a cold - a real one this time, not allergies posing as a cold like last time - and I think not feeling well has drained my mental energy reserves.

I'm sad. I miss my boy.

I can't help anyone else today. Don't ask me to. I can't do it. I'm tired and sick and sad and I just don't have anything left in the tank.

Today I'd like to put my fist through a wall. The tenuous peace I can usually find seems to have escaped my grasp and I don't even know where to look for it.

Thomas would have been eight months old tomorrow.

I have absolutely no idea what an 8 month old baby does. I assume he'd be crawling, maybe even standing. I know he'd be smiling and laughing and trying to make the first recognizable words come out of that precious little mouth. He'd have outgrown all the little newborn clothes we had for him and he'd be wearing the little blue baseball outfit I bought last winter. He'd be getting spoiled by his grandparents and particularly by his Auntie K. And he'd be the centre of our world.

This is one of those days when I have absolutely no idea how I keep going on. I get up, I live, I work, I laugh, I love and I do it all without Thomas. I will always do it all without Thomas.

I have no idea how.

7 comments:

Sherry said...

I wish you weren't feeling so blue. I, too, have been dwelling on the boys' "month" birthdays as well - I think it's only natural. Hoping and praying you feel better tomorrow ((((HUGS))))

Catherine said...

You don't always have to help other people. It's ok to let other people help you on these days.

I hope you feel better soon.

kate said...

sending you some (((((((hugs)))))))

There will always be days like this, but they eventually get fewer and there are more good days between them...

Julie said...

(((((((((hugs))))))))))
I wish I had words to make it all go away, but I don't. Missing Thomas with you.

Jill said...

Just let the day pass you by without giving anything to anyone. It won't stop you missing your boy, but it will leave the small amount of energy you have left for you and your beloved.

Feel better soon, thinking of you ((hugs))

smileyeily323 said...

I am so sorry that you are sick and having such a sad day. It is ok to miss your boy and to be sad. It is ok not to help anyone today. Lean on your Beloved and let him take care of you. I wish I had some magic dust that would take all your pain away. I am sending you (((hugs))). I will be thinking of you, and missing Thomas right along with you.

Bronwyn said...

I'm so sorry you're feeling so down. As everyone else pointed out, it's okay to lean on other people sometimes and just focus on yourself for a while. (((Big hug))) I hope you're feeling better today.