I thought I could start writing my Christmas cards, but I can't. I did two and had to quit. It's early, I know, but I like to get them all ready to go so I can drop them in the mail for the beginning of December. I've always liked to wish people a Merry Christmas while there's still time for them to actually enjoy the season before the mad rush of shopping, parties and preparation sets in.
So I got all my supplies out and ready to go - and only made it through two.
It just feels so sad. Lead weight crushing the air out of your chest, sad. Last year when I wrote our Christmas cards Thomas was just a few months away from being born and I had all the hope in the world. He was with me as I sat and wrote each card. Now he's just a memory.
Do I write about him in the cards? Do I include his picture? Do I use the cards as an opportunity to tell our dearest friends and family how much their unending support has meant to us since Thomas died?
I have no idea.
All I can think of is that his name should be on the cards. They should end with "Love K, S and Thomas". But, of course, they can't.
So I can't write them yet. Not today, anyway.