Today I made more Christmas cookies for our little family Christmas tea on the 10th. I put on Christmas carols and forced myself to listen to them while I made the first batch of cookies (Pecan Sandies, which I've never made before. They're incredibly delicious and addictive, in case you're wondering).
Having to force myself to listen to carols made me incredibly sad. I used to love this time of year. I wonder if it will always be this way now or if, like all the firsts, this one will be the hardest and I will return to the Christmas loving nut I've always been when the holiday season rolls around again next year.
There are so many I wonders in my life these days.
Have I mentioned how much I hate this? I hate not having any idea how I'll react to situations I once never gave a second thought to. Now so many things that used to be joyful pleasures are incredibly hard work - and it almost always catches me off guard. It's exhausting - every single day is just so exhausting in it's own special way.
I didn't really want to listen to carols today, but I thought I should make myself - just do it and be done with it. Bah hum-bug.
I don't like wishing time away - not when I've been made so acutely aware of how precious it is - but I really can't wait until April. I need all the firsts to be done with and I need every single thing to stop reminding me of what I was doing last year at this time - of how big Thomas was getting and how big I was getting right along with him.
I feel like I'm looking back at a dream that didn't really happen, and that I'm lost in a nightmare right now.
I just remember how much hope I had last year at this time - how much I was looking forward to the future. And now not only can I not look to the future with the hope and optimism I once had, but the past is too painful to remember too.
So I'm stuck here in the present, forcing myself to listen to Christmas carols I don't want to hear.