They laid Thomas' stone this week. I went to see it today.
I feel a little like I'm made of something as thin as an eggshell right now. I mean that quite literally. Delicate, fragile and hollow.
Today I knelt in the snow on a plastic bag and scraped the snow and ice off my baby's grave marker so I could see it. I chipped away at the ice with a window squeegee and, when that failed, tried to melt it with the heat of my hands. In the end I couldn't get it all off, no matter how hard I tried. And my knees were starting to freeze.
So I stood up to say goodbye, kissed my fingers, pressed them to the frozen granite and started to cry.
Before I left I whispered into the wind the words, this is so wrong. I don't know where the words went or who might have heard them, but I hope someone did. I hope there are no more mothers found kneeling in the snow scraping ice of the graves of their children.
This is what my life is now. Oh my God.