Friday, November 25, 2005

Written in stone

They laid Thomas' stone this week. I went to see it today.

I feel a little like I'm made of something as thin as an eggshell right now. I mean that quite literally. Delicate, fragile and hollow.

Today I knelt in the snow on a plastic bag and scraped the snow and ice off my baby's grave marker so I could see it. I chipped away at the ice with a window squeegee and, when that failed, tried to melt it with the heat of my hands. In the end I couldn't get it all off, no matter how hard I tried. And my knees were starting to freeze.

So I stood up to say goodbye, kissed my fingers, pressed them to the frozen granite and started to cry.

Before I left I whispered into the wind the words, this is so wrong. I don't know where the words went or who might have heard them, but I hope someone did. I hope there are no more mothers found kneeling in the snow scraping ice of the graves of their children.

This is what my life is now. Oh my God.

9 comments:

sillyhummingbird said...

I just wanted to send you big (((((hugs)))). It is painful to stare at the headstone of your son. I think it will always be a surreal experience for me. I know what you mean about the fragile part. I was having a string of really good days that turned into weeks until I was bombarded with holiday stuff. This is what my life is now and it sucks. It helps to remind myself I am not alone--as awful and selfish as that sounds. I remind myself that other people have experienced something similar and have come out the other side. That gives me hope. ((((hugs)))).

Catherine said...

I'm so so sorry.

SaraBJ said...

I wish that you didn't have to go through this. Be kind to yourself and allow others to do things for you.

Jill said...

I am so sorry:(

cjzben said...

I am so sorry too, sending you some love.

Anam Cara said...

It is so wrong, you are right - just so horribly wrong and I am so sorry.
By the way, I like the way you will include Thomas on your Christmas cards this year. It is a beautiful idea. (((hugs)))

Maya's Mom said...

I have buried two unborn children, and my heart cried when I read your post about the sorrow you felt kneeling at your son's grave--I've felt that strange, griefstricken, surreal, hollow emptiness too as I knelt by the graves of my children to pull up weeds and overgrown grass from the markers there. :*(

Prayers for peace, and healing, for you and your loved ones going through this sad time in your life. You aren't alone in what you are feeling, and what you are sharing here may just actually help someone else get through a horrible time like yours. {{{{{Hugs}}}}}

smileyeily323 said...

I am so sorry, the lump in my throat is huge. I don't even know what to say. I wish I could of been there with you, crying with you, and helping you chip away the ice to reveal Thomas' name. His stone is beautiful, the words are perfect. Thomas is perfect. You are right it is so wrong. I hear your words. You shouldn't have to vist his grave. I wish I could do something to ease your pain. It kills me to see such a wonderful, fellow mother (and grad) go through this. I am so sorry. (I am going to send you an email too)
(((Hugs)))

Julie said...

Sending you love and hugs. I am so sorry you have to know how this feels. (((((hugs)))))