This is one of those days when it feels like everyone in the world is having a baby but me.
Strap on your pointy hats people, I smell a pity party...
I no sooner found out that a member of an online board I frequent is pregnant after a tubal ligation, when my pregnant neighbour informed me that our neighbours across the street are having twins.
It was all too much. I just lay down on the bedroom floor and sobbed.
I'm not angry at these women - or at any pregnant woman. I'm angry at the injustice of it all. I don't understand the way God works - why blessings are doled out so freely to some and held back so completely from others.
I get that this is the way the world works. I get that life is hard for some people and easier for others. I get that you can't always have what you want no matter how hard you try. I get that wanting something so badly you could scream doesn't mean you're going to get it. I get that in spades.
What I don't quite get is how God picks and chooses who does get the goodies. I mean, devout people have babies and people who have no relationship with God with babies. Warm, motherly types have babies and cold, formal types have babies. People in loving relationships have babies and dysfunctional couples have babies. People who want to have babies get pregnant and people who don't want to have babies get pregnant. I can't see the pattern - it all seems so impossibly random to me.
I know I'm not meant to fully understand, but I think it's only fair that if God has given me so much sorrow and refuses to give me the blessing he seems to so freely shower on others, the least he could do is throw me a bone.
He took my son. Why couldn't he have left me with a scrap of comfort and a shred of understanding?
I'm trying so hard - so impossibly hard - to deal with my sorrow while dealing with the monthly disappointment of not getting pregnant and I'm running out of ways to trick my mind into thinking it's okay - into thinking that I'm not as confused and sad and desperate as I am.
I'm trying God - why aren't you helping me? What more do I have to do? How many more times do I have to beg for your help before it comes?