Tuesday, February 21, 2006

And suddenly it was all too much...

This is one of those days when it feels like everyone in the world is having a baby but me.

Strap on your pointy hats people, I smell a pity party...

I no sooner found out that a member of an online board I frequent is pregnant after a tubal ligation, when my pregnant neighbour informed me that our neighbours across the street are having twins.

It was all too much. I just lay down on the bedroom floor and sobbed.

I'm not angry at these women - or at any pregnant woman. I'm angry at the injustice of it all. I don't understand the way God works - why blessings are doled out so freely to some and held back so completely from others.

I get that this is the way the world works. I get that life is hard for some people and easier for others. I get that you can't always have what you want no matter how hard you try. I get that wanting something so badly you could scream doesn't mean you're going to get it. I get that in spades.

What I don't quite get is how God picks and chooses who does get the goodies. I mean, devout people have babies and people who have no relationship with God with babies. Warm, motherly types have babies and cold, formal types have babies. People in loving relationships have babies and dysfunctional couples have babies. People who want to have babies get pregnant and people who don't want to have babies get pregnant. I can't see the pattern - it all seems so impossibly random to me.

I know I'm not meant to fully understand, but I think it's only fair that if God has given me so much sorrow and refuses to give me the blessing he seems to so freely shower on others, the least he could do is throw me a bone.

He took my son. Why couldn't he have left me with a scrap of comfort and a shred of understanding?

I'm trying so hard - so impossibly hard - to deal with my sorrow while dealing with the monthly disappointment of not getting pregnant and I'm running out of ways to trick my mind into thinking it's okay - into thinking that I'm not as confused and sad and desperate as I am.

I'm trying God - why aren't you helping me? What more do I have to do? How many more times do I have to beg for your help before it comes?

6 comments:

the ockers said...

Sadly I actually believe it IS impossibly random who gets babies and who doesn't. Random. not fate or punishment or destiny or even a hand of God. To me it's LUCK. and it's random. like the lottery. and that's why I think it hurts so much when we don't have the children we try so hard to have. Because something this big all boils down to luck and bad luck and we can't control it (very much).
I'm thinking of you.

kate said...

I don't know either, i wish i knew these answers. I do know it is a very difficult and dark time for you, with Thomas' birthday approaching -- and i am thinking of you and your sweet boy ((((((((hugs)))))))

Nina said...

I was trying to find the words to post about this in my own blog. I know I don't even try to understand anymore. The only thing I can seem to muster is up is why; and why would a higher being allow anyone to be hurt so much. I know we are both approaching a difficult time. I certainly won't try to undertsand your pain, but am here for you if you need a shoulder to cry on. Thomas was born the day my mom died. I will never forget that as long as I live.

MB said...

Being as I am not a super religious, but like to think of myself as spritual, I do not get how any of this happens. The only shred of anything that makes any sense to me is what a friend (who is quite religious) said to me. She said: God is not the one who causes bad things to happen. He does not pick and choose to do bad things to people. What he does is damage control. When Eve screwed up the whole Garden of Eden thing, that's when started his antics. He's the one who causes the crazy stuff to happen and God is the one out there trying to help us through it and guide us. He tries to comfort us and keep us from losing sight of the big picture.

Now having said that, she said it much better than I ever could. That is totally my version, but it's the only "religious" explanation that made any sense to me at all.

It's all so confusing and complicated and it just doesn't make any sense. I wish it did. I'm so sorry.

Denise said...

I am so sorry that all this news came at you like a freight train. Life seems terribly unfair at times. I don't understand why things happen the way they do either. I just know that there are a lot of ladies praying for you and Sandy. Hopefully the prayers will be answered soon. (((hugs)))

Sherry said...

I've come armed with my hats and noise-makers - and Girl Scout cookies. ;-)

Seriously, though, I'm right there with you. I'll never, ever understand the how's and why's of what's happened to us and the many others in the world. Some days it makes my head hurt too damn much to try to figure it all out. I just keep hoping that if we try long enough - like playing Bingo - our winning number has to be picked! (((HUGS)))