Wednesday, February 15, 2006

Sorry isn't enough

The other night as I lay snuggled up to My Beloved, I wordlessly, in fact silently, apologized for not being able to bring our son safely into the world. I've apologized before - out loud - but he won't have any of it. He absolved me of any guilt months and months ago. Actually he never once pointed his angry finger at me in blame - he's been nothing but loving and supportive from the start, and has repeatedly told me that none of this was my fault. He's quite adamant about it.

But the guilt remains.

I know it wasn't my fault, but only in the sense that I didn't do it on purpose. I didn't set out to have an abruption that would kill Thomas and nearly kill me in the process.

But the fact remains that my body couldn't do what it was supposed to. It failed me, My Beloved, and most of all, our Thomas in the worst possible way.

And for that I'm so desperately sorry.

5 comments:

Sherry said...

Oh sweetie! It's not your fault in any way, shape or form.

Unfortunately, there IS no one to blame. I think that's why it's so easy as a mother to take on that burden yourself. It seems as though guilt needs to be assigned to someone, so we do what seems to be the right thing and accept the blame, even when we have done nothing wrong and the circumstances were quite literally out of our control.

You did all you could humanly do for your precious Thomas - he knows that, your Beloved knows that, and so does everyone else. (((HUGS)))

Catherine said...

In criminal law, there is a two-pronged analysis to determining guilt. Mens rea, or mental state, and actus rheas (not sure I spelled that right), which is the act itself. It works for criminals, but it doesn't help my brain accept that I'm not guilty. MY body did the act without the culpable mental state. How do I wrap my little mind around that? How do I separate the two, in essence separating my body from my mind? I don't really know. It seems they're all a part of ME and I should be harmonizing the two, not trying to draw distinctions between them. It's truly a riddle. And I do understand the mental gymnastics involved. But you are not to blame. There is ten tons of guilt to be had when you consider the situation...but it's all self-imposed. NOBODY blames you but you. So be kind to yourself. Your body and your mind deserve that much consolation after what they've both been through...after what YOU have been through.

Sarah said...

I have similar thoughts, but think I somehow just admit that it is partly my body's fault that Kate died. I am not seeking anyone's appology, except Kate's I guess.

I do wonder if Steve had married the woman he was dating before me if you would be happier. Sure, she wasn't a very nice person and times and he couldn't imagine spending the rest of his life with her, but she has gone on to have a baby. A living baby. If he could choose now sometimes i wonder which situation he would pick.

kate said...

What everybody else said. We *all* feel guilty in our hearts even though our minds know that we are not at fault. It is part of being a mother, unfortunately. Just be gentle with yourself.

Sarah, Steve chose you and i believe he would still choose you. He loves both you *and* Kate -- she is still his daughter even though she isn't physically here.

Sarah said...

Thanks for what your response! I guess I know that Steve would still "choose" me and Kate, it's just hard to not let those thoughts pass though my head.

The situation with our spouses ex's is pretty similar. I just internalize the question instead of asking steve. Maybe because i know what his answer would be.

:)