Monday, February 06, 2006


I had a spectacular meltdown last night. I was pretty hysterical actually, which scared the shit out me and, I'm sure, completely freaked out My poor, poor Beloved.

It's a long story that started with a late-night e-mail from a friend who has disappeared from my life since Thomas died, and ended with me sobbing my eyes out in bed. I wasn't crying about my MIA friend, I was crying about Thomas - about the raw pain I still feel, about the unfairness of losing him, about the helplessness of wanting him here so much and knowing he's gone forever. I was crying for me, for My Beloved and for our poor little lamb that we loved so much. That we love still.

I don't even remember everything I said while I sobbed into my pillow and into My Beloved's arms. I know there was some swearing, but I have a feeling most of it was probably incoherent and better left trapped in the fibers of the mattress.

Once I calmed down we quite rationally discussed what there might be in the basement that we could beat the living shit out of with hammers. The ping pong table flashed through my mind, but we already use that to bond and to blow off steam on a regular basis. It would be counter productive, not to mention stupid, to attack our live-in therapist.

I'm exhausted today. I slept fitfully after the tears finally stopped and I've been wandering around in a puffy-eyed, dizzy fog ever since I got up. I'm looking forward to a good night's sleep and a happier tomorrow.

The other day My Beloved said, in reference to another situation and someone else we know, that you're responsible for your own happiness. No one can give it you, buy it for you or force it on you. You have to find it yourself.

So tomorrow I'll see if I can't find it down the couch cushions. I've looked just about everywhere else.


DinosaurD said...

I honestly think you're doing better than you think. Yes, we may all be responsible for our own happiness BUT.. we are not always responsible for the things that happen to us.
If you weren't still grieving I would be amazed. It doesn't mean you're not trying to find happiness (reading your blog daily, it's obvious you're trying). I still don't know where you possibly store all the grief (or how you simply get rid of it) that life can offer at times.
I'm worried about how you're going to get through March - is there anything we can do?

Catherine said...

It sneaks up on you and beats you senseless sometimes, doesn't it? I even looked into racquetball so I could beat the snot out of something (unfortunately, it cost too much). Someone else suggested buying cheap dishes at the dollar store...$10 worth of smashed glass could be a satisfying release.

The thing to remember is that you're allowed to be angry and sad. And you're not alone in your anger and sadness. Yes, you might be able to find happiness...but I don't think it's going to be as fulfilling or satisfying if you don't feel the "bad stuff" too. Balance is least for me.


Sherry said...

Sounds like one of the sneak attacks you warned me about found you instead. (((HUGS))) I do agree that it's up to us to find our own happiness, but why in God's name is it so elusive?!? It's hardly fair, given what we've been through and will always be going through.

GhettoFab said...

My names Anne and my husband and I just recently lost our son Mekhi.Im using his blogs identity as I have no clue about blogs.

He was born on December 15,2005 and died on December 18, 2005 and he was our first child. My husband got 4 days with our son but I only got one since he was life flighted to another hospital. My husband has been in contact with your husband over his blog and showed me your site.

Reading your blog has helped me because alot of what you say is exactly how I feel but I have a hard time expressing it. I'm not quite sure what happened to your sweet son Thomas but it sounds a little similar to what happend to Mekhi. Emergency c-section that didn't get him out in time and he ended up on life support for 4 days but it was too late, he was brain dead. I just wanted to thank you and let you know that your blog and the feelings you've expressed have helped me to know that someone else knows how it feels and that alot of what you've expressed is exactly how I feel. Although I wish noone else had to know these feelings.

You, your husband, and Thomas are in my thoughts and prayers

Bronwyn said...

Sorry you had such a rough night. I would venture a guess that Thomas' upcoming birthday has a lot to do with the resurgence of the raw emotions, but regardless it just sucks. You're lucky to have such a supportive partner. If you can't find happiness under the sofa cushions, maybe you could use them as punching bags and get some of the aggression out. (((Big hug)))

Sarah said...

Being responsible for our own happiness may eventually be true, but it seems like for now we have to cry for our babies. After the tears maybe happiness will be easier to find.

kate said...

Yeah, you know, my dad told my mom she was 'responsible for your own happiness' when he left her. So my conclusion is that it is hard to be happy when someone is hitting you with a brick, kwim?

I smashed all our (cheap) wine glasses, a few months after Nicolas died. Then later, some pots, and my cell phone. (I ended up beating it to death with a hammer). That little episode cost me several hundred dollars, so i highly suggest stocking up on cheap dishes instead. Though, a potted plant *does* made a very satisfying crash when thrown properly.

Erin said...

I can't even begin to understand how you feel, and I have no idea how to help, but I do know that anytime you need a friend, day or night I am only a few kms away.