I'm moving on. Getting on with things. Not waiting for what may never come.
Well, at least today, anyway.
I spent most of the day in the room where we hastily shoved Thomas' dresser/change table when we took down the nursery in April (the same dresser where I've been storing his things - the little white pouch with all his precious belongings inside).
Anyway, the room has been a dumping ground for quite some time and it's been driving me crazy. I tried to clean it out back in May, but the sheer enormity of the task wore me out before I could finish it. It was a good effort - several bags of garbage and a box half full of charity stuff - but it remained a disaster zone.
In my defence, it was one seriously messed up room. When we took apart the spare bedroom and turned it into Thomas' nursery, almost everything from the spare bedroom ended up in the other room that was, once upon a time, my office. We figured eventually we'd get around to cleaning it out, but in the meantime it was a decent storage area.
Then Thomas died, and we shoved more stuff in the old office room. His dresser, my pregnancy books, the night table that was mine as a child and was going to be Thomas' too. It all went in with the mounds of stuff already in there.
In essence what we did was create a Mount Everest of crap.
But today I climbed almost all the way to the top. I'm making that room a functional room for NOW. I'm not holding my breath and waiting until the day I might be able to use it as a nursery. I'm not going to just leave it as a storage room because I can't bear it to be anything until it's a nursery. I'm getting ready to use it now. Today. This very minute.
I'm getting on with things. I've wasted too much time thinking about what if, and I'm not going to apply the what ifs to the future now too.
What if I get pregnant? Well, we'll use that room as a nursery. We won't outfit it as such until the baby actually comes home this time, but that's what we'll do.
But in the meantime while my ovaries, eggs and uterus are steadfastly refusing to do anything other than take up space, that room is going to be MINE. I'm putting all my craft paraphenalia in it - yarn, patterns, hooks, needles, scrapbooks, tape, ribbon, glue guns, stickers - you name it, it's in there.
And some of it's going in Thomas' dresser too. The top drawer will still hold his things, but the rest of it will be for me. I think it'll be nice for him and I to share it for a little while. Or longer, depending on the next roll of the gods' dice.
And I can't even begin to tell you how good it feels.
Conquering Mount Everest without ever leaving home. I did it today.