I took Thomas with me on all my errands today. I couldn't get my mind off him. He'd pop into my head and then I'd instantly feel the weight of my sadness as surely as if I was carrying it in a knapsack on my back.
I just missed him.
Actually, it was more than that. For some reason I was very aware that he's not here and he's not coming back - that I can't have him and that he's lost to me forever.
I know this makes no sense. I've been acutely aware of the fact that he's not coming back for 11 and a half months. It's just that some days, just to amuse itself, the sadness presents itself differently - and today it was like an oppressive lead weight. I dragged it with me as I plodded through stores picking up paint chips, a container for the beautiful pussy willows my sister gave me yesterday and buns for dinner.
It hung with me and made me want to scream.
Sometimes if I think about it too much or too hard, it makes me feel a little crazy. He was here and he's gone and I can't ever have him back. We were *this* close to happiness and it was snatched away so cruelly and so unfairly.
I don't always focus on that aspect of my sorrow, but some days that's the part that chooses to rise to the surface of my brain. Today was just one of those days.
Maybe tomorrow I'll simply miss the boy without the baggage of wanting to scream at the injustice of it all coming along for the ride.