My horoscope today reads:
Life has a way of rewarding those who make sincere efforts. But when life becomes a struggle for survival in a dry desert, we tend to lose our optimism. An oasis will soon appear. You have come far.
If I can't trust God to hear my prayers, I most certainly can't trust a horoscope written by some underpaid, overeager, idealistic junior copywriter.
But oh how I wish I could.
I have come far. I'm not the catastrophically grief-stricken, barely functioning person I was almost a year ago. I'm healing - each and every day I'm healing. But I certainly have no illusions that my oasis is on the horizon - that happiness, in some magical form, is waiting for me as a reward for slogging my way through the barren desert of my pain.
I don't want to be rewarded for surviving the worst agony I'll ever know. I want to go back in time and avoid it altogether. That's what I want.
And anyway, I don't believe in rewards anymore. I've lived a good life, I think. I'm far from perfect and I've made my fair share of mistakes, but I've tried to live a good life and my baby died just the same.
I'm not going to stop trying to live a good life, but I'm not doing it for all the same reasons I once did.
I would love to believe there's an cool, beautiful oasis out there, but until I stand knee deep in that water and feel the shade of a dozen palm trees on my back, I can't believe there's anything more than a mirage out there for me.
Life is going to have to prove me wrong this time. I've lost my ability to trust in miracles and I just don't have the energy to hope for one.