Thursday, August 24, 2006

I'm just so tired

I'm in such a ferociously foul mood right now. I feel like I've been stretched to my absolute emotional limit. I couldn't possibly squeeze even the tiniest bit more negativity, sorrow, anger or hopelessness into my head because it feels like I've already somehow managed to gather every last bit of it available to me and cram it in there until it's as tight as a drum.

This is one of those "how do I keep doing this?" kind of days. The ones in which the road before me is all uphill and I'm wearing boots made of lead. I keep trudging, but I'm not getting anywhere and the boots are getting heavier with each and every step.

I'm just tired. I'm tired of feeling sad, I'm tired of missing Thomas, I'm tired of wanting him here, I'm tired of trying to get pregnant, I'm tired of failing every month, I'm tired of fertility treatments, I'm tired of feeling broken, I'm tired of pitying looks, I'm tired of endless questions, I'm tired of trying to pretend I'm okay on the days when I'm not.

I need a vacation. But unfortunately you can't have a vacation from your own life, can you?

We didn't sign up for this, My Beloved and I. And fuck it, we didn't deserve it either.

9 comments:

Lisa P. said...

You really don't deserve it. None of us do. I wish we could make it not so, in all regards. (((hugs)))

delphi said...

It sucks. I wish there was something more profound to say, but there is not.

However, on the issue of holidays, perhaps a mini-break? Can you take an extra-long Labour Day weekend and fly away to Canmore, AB and hole up in a little chateau in the mountains away from all humanity? We did that to get away from our lives and it was a miracle.

Sending love and strength your way.

DinosaurD said...

If it helps at all, you don't get any pitying looks from this quarter. (Sometimes a raised eyebrow, sometimes a smile and sometimes some curses uttered on your behalf but nope, no pity.) And you know the secret, right? You just keep trudging (please).
DinoD

Erin said...

(((((HUGS)))))

If you need a buddy, I am just a hop skip & a jump away.

Chrissy said...

((((hugs))))

Emma's Mum said...

no, you did not deserve this. I often wish I could take a little vacation away from all of this hurt....but your are right, you still have to take yourself with you. I hope tomorrow is a better day for you.....

Abby said...

No, you don't deserve any of this. I wish I could make it all better or at least give you an amazing vacation just to get away from it all for a little while.

Oklahoma's always an option, you know. It's not exactly a five-star vacation destination, but we do have cows -- lots and lots of cows. And Eddie, who sort of looks like a cow. And a very comfortable guest room that's open to our favorite Canadians anytime.

Sherry said...

I am right there with you. Maybe there is something to that "strength in numbers" bit. (((HUGS)))

Rosemarie said...

((HUGS))
I agree with delphi, get away. You may not be able to escape from your problems, but you can put them on hold for a bit. Have a great getaway. That you certainly deserve.