Thursday, March 01, 2007

The crulest month

So here it is. March.

March has stolen two children from us. The first, in 2004, was a very early miscarriage (my second). Thomas followed in March 2005.

It's known for its winds, is March, but for me it's a harbinger of sorrow. This month isn't sometime I endure, it's something I survive. It holds unfathomably horrible memories for me and the turn of the calendar brings them rushing back in a cruel torrent.

And if that makes me sound like a drama queen, then so be it. As I said, I can't and won't apologize for this hell and what it does to me.

I remember sitting on the couch crying three years ago after my body quickly and quietly rejected our second child. I was sure I'd never be able to carry a baby and would never be able to give My Beloved the family we'd been dreaming of. I felt more empty and broken than I'd ever felt in my entire life.

Until a year later when I lay numbly on that same couch recovering from the physical effects of a traumatic c-section and its complications. I hadn't even begun to heal emotionally.

By then I'd lost three children. And still had yet to bury the last.

So if I'm "brooding" or seem distant or not myself for a while, this is why.

The enormity of my losses - three souls, three desperately loved and wanted children - still takes it toll on me. And it always will. This isn't something you "get over", it's something you struggle with for the rest of your life.

It's just that March makes it so much worse.

It's agonizing trying to think of ways to celebrate the birthday of a child who isn't here. Last year we spent the day on a good deed mission, and we'll do the same this year. After there will be a quiet lunch out and cake when we get home, and the closeness between the two people who suffered the same loss and who take solace from knowing there is someone else who understands and never judges.

But do you see? There should be a toddler - a little boy with a big smile and cake all over his face - giving sticky hugs and ripping into brightly wrapped packages. There should be goodnight stories and night time kisses and wishes for a happy year ahead. There should be a little family in this house.

But instead there's just us trying not to think too much about what we lost and trying to find ways to make it better.

I've lost my baby and that baby would be a toddler now. It's like losing him all over again. Baby, toddler, boy, teenager, man. Eventually I will lose them all.

And this is March.

14 comments:

Sara said...

Hi I just linked my way over to your blog. I was just thinking this morning about how March is bittersweet for me - the month we got pregnant for the first time. But to then read about your March experiences. I'm so sorry for your losses. I hope and pray this March will be a happier new beginning for you and your husband.

Take care, Sara

Catherine said...

I will do my best to help you through March if you will promise to do the same for me with May.

smileyeily323 said...

Thinking of you my friend...thinking of you.

We are here if you need us.

(((hugs)))

Christy & Eily

kate said...

Yeah, if you ask me this whole month could be gone from the calendar...thinking of you and sweet Thomas and sending lots of (((((hugs))))

Denise said...

(((hugs)) - I'm hoping that people will continue to do good deeds in Thomas' name like last year. (I'm having issues posting on the board or else I would put the message there) I know that some of the tete-a-tete daffodils that were planted last year for Thomas are up in my neighbourhood...he is remembered. Many prayers and a wish that you are surrounded by caring friends and family as his birthday approaches.

Ruby said...

I am so sorry for your losses.

What helps me is talking. A lot. Of course crying and the occasional scream doesn't hurt either. And to think, ___ years ago, we were oblivious to this kind of pain.

I'm going to remember your babies with a new flower in my remembrance garden (Just recently started it). Favorite color?

Thank you for your very insightful comment.

delphi said...

You have an amazing way of placing the words in the right order to exactly describe what is also in my soul. In particular "I've lost my baby and that baby would be a toddler now. It's like losing him all over again. Baby, toddler, boy, teenager, man. Eventually I will lose them all."

That goes into my little book of quotable quotes. To pull out when I need to explain my sorrow again and again as the years pass and I should be "over it".

Much love to you in this month of months.

Lori said...

(((hugs)))

cjzben said...

Sending you all the love I can to help you through the dark month of March. I am just so sorry my dear dear friend.

Claire

Woman who knits said...

((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))

Bronwyn said...

In some ways the loss does feel compounded by all of the new experiences that we're missing out on... (((Big hug))) Thinking of you and Thomas.

Jill said...

((((hugs)))) I'm so sorry.

MB said...

Take care of yourself. Sending hugs. Happy birthday sweet Thomas.

niobe said...

"Eventually I will lose them all"

Exactly. You've captured the enduring loss that gnaws at our lives. Watching a child grow up hurts. Watching a child not grow up hurts more.

Take care of yourself.