Despite the fact that Huggies (who, as it turns out, are cruelly punctual) dropped a "Your baby is 24-months old!" coupon and information package in our mailbox on Friday, of all days, we survived.
We had a really peaceful sort of day (unexpected mail aside) and when I finally lay down to go to sleep I felt more calm and relaxed than I have in months. Maybe years.
The sheer bliss of making it through the hard days is nothing short of euphoric. I ran on adrenalin all day long and crashed in a heap of contentment at 2:00am. Well, after crashing on the couch for three hours at 7:00pm.
Euphoria is tiring.
I missed my boy. But I believe he gave me a little birthday hello on Sunday night when I saw a huge shooting star on the way in from evening Mass.
A neighbour of ours a few doors down had a son last March. She deftly avoided telling me what day he was born so all I knew was that he arrived in March. But on Sunday their porch was festooned with birthday balloons, and on my way home from Mass I caught sight of the crowd in their living room celebrating. Having a birthday party. On Thomas' birthday weekend.
I felt so deflated and lonely as I pulled the car over the unmelted ice and snow and into our driveway. Last year I was fixated on the party we didn't hold, but this year I didn't dwell on it for some reason. Until I saw one for another little March boy just five doors down.
I was glumly walking around the car to head into the house, my eyes downcast, when for some reason I looked up into the dusky sky and caught a glimpse of a little orange ball of fire with an enormous blue-green firey tail.
I was transfixed. And puzzled because I couldn't figure out why on earth anyone would be setting off firecrackers on March 11th.
When I described the heavenly vision it to My Beloved, he said it sounded very much like a meteor or shooting star (which was confirmed today).
Even though it's silly of me to believe this, I think it was Thomas' way of celebrating with me. We couldn't have a party like the boy down the street, but we had a beautiful little moment, he and I, and I can't think of a nicer way to end his birthday weekend than that.
4 comments:
I'm glad for your calm and peace. So nice that you and your little shooting star had a private celebration. :)
No it's NOT silly at all! I also believe that was Thomas saying hi to you in a big shooting star way.
Those Huggies envelopes really irritate me! It's been 3 years since I got on their mailing list and there doesn't seem to be any way off...
I was thinking of you over the weekend. Glad you found some peace.
I just found your Blog, and for lack of a better word I love it. I hate to say that I love something that is borne out of so much pain, but I appreciate you expressing yourself.
After our twins died shortly after birth, I wanted nothing more than some sort of "sign" that they were happy and safe. My faith told me they were, but my human need for proof wanted something more. I never got a visual sign, but I did finally have an inexplicable moment of peace one day in which I felt complete certainty that they were safely wrapped in the arms of eternal love. It didn't change my sorrow, but it helped to ease my agony.
I invite you to visit my blog as well, but I would caution you that I do also write about my living children. I would never want to add to the pain of a bereaved mother, and I understand the need to avoid writings of living children.
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