Tuesday, May 22, 2007

musings

Written in my fertility clinic file: "frustrated with inability to conceive." Gee, ya think?
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Why are there so many strangers in Asia and Europe who suddenly want to bequeath all their worldly goods to me? And how did they get my e-mail address?
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Why do male OBs believe that describing what they think you're feeling as you're actually feeling it helps you deal with the thing you're feeling - when they have NO idea what that thing feels like at all? Someone needs to tell them that we don't buy their mumbled, coming-from-between-the-legs apologies.
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They should give you chocolate after dildocams. I'm not kidding - they should.
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Changing a diaper for the very first time in your entire life more than two years after you gave birth to a child yourself is just plain strange. No two ways around it. It just shouldn't be.
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I flip the bird to people in Hummers. Sometimes I'm not filled with the spirit of Jesus at ALL.
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I had one of those perfect moments of bliss a few days ago. As soon as I noticed I was having it, it went away. But it was nice while it lasted.
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We did two IUIs this weekend. I could be pregnant. I'm probably not. But maybe I am. Or maybe I'm not. There's nothing more humbling than being utterly clueless about what exactly your body is doing. Or what it's capable of doing.
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I don't know if I'm more terrified at the thought of being pregnant or not being pregnant.
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I'm meeting with my priest this week and suddenly I'm scared. The Clomid fueled bravado has worn off. I hope I don't end up crying in his office. I don't want to end up crying in his office...
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I was thinking about Thomas' stroller the other day. I can't remember what it looks like.
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What's worse? I can no longer imagine what Thomas might look like. It was easy when he was a baby - when he still would have been a baby - but I can't imagine what he'd look like now at 26 months. This thought makes me profoundly, deeply, achingly sad.
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I wonder if I'm pregnant.
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I wonder if I'm not pregnant.
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Please don't ask.

16 comments:

Lori said...

I wish there were any words to make this time easier for you. I know there are not. Waiting and wondering are the pits.

But I'm thinking of you, and I do hope you are pregnant.

Bronwyn said...

I'm redirecting all of the positive vibes that were sent my way during my recent "false alarm". It's time for one of us to have some absolutely positive good news!

Jill said...

I am really hoping as hard as I can that you are pregnant. I'm all for good news too:)

Heather said...

I once read on a blog where an RE's office hands out little bags of M&Ms to all the patients...I wish they all did that. I'm jealous of her because of it.

Got everything crossed for you.

Catherine said...

Chocolate after dildocams...great idea!

(I hope you are.)

niobe said...

I'm hoping for good things for you too.

Sunshine said...

Hi, I have just stumbled across your lovely blog. I definitely think you're cool enough to blog!
Praying that He will give you the desires of your heart.

BasilBean said...

I'm hoping as hard as I can for you that you are, indeed, pregnant.

delphi said...

Ditto.

Also, please flip a bird on my behalf some time - also not filled with the Spirit...

(hugs)

Abby said...

H&S and hoping and praying for you, as always.

Also, I would totally sign a petition for the chocolate after dildocam idea!

Mad Mommy said...

Kudos for a fantastic post. And yes, chocolate would make it much, much better.

Rosepetal said...

I'm not asking, just thinking of you.

Angela said...

Oh, I so hope you're pregnant.

I know that feeling of realizing that you no longer know what your child would be like today, had they lived. I'm so sorry. ::HUGS::

kate said...

(((((hugs)))))

thinking of you...

vixanne wigg said...

I hoping REALLY hard for you!!!! I wish that hope would make you pregnant. You have so many people hoping for you, you definitely would be.

Sara said...

I won't ask but I'll be crossing all my appendages for you.

How have you avoided diapers for so long? Have you addressed this before? I believe I changed my first diaper at age 8.

A gargantuan as big as a hummer vehicle was in my way this morning as I tried to walk across the street and I swore at the "a&*hole in the personal semi truck" (outloud!).

I think crying in the priest's office would be okay, but I hope you can stave it off until you've said your piece. And I'm still so anxious to hear what he has to say!