I went to the nursery today and found a baby there.
This would be a GREAT story if the nursery was of the baby variety and the baby was mine to take home. Alas, I was shopping for plants and the baby belonged to someone else.
It was teeny tiny. Seriously, so new I'm surprised the umbilical cord wasn't still attached.
And they followed me wherever I went.
It's funny how this stuff can still take your breath away - the tiny mewling of a newborn, the unmistakable paunch of a newly emptied tummy, the fresh glow of love and happiness on the face of a mom holding her child.
And I just wanted to get away from it.
I'm still in my happy place, I swear. The magnificent shift in the universe that I felt yesterday is still a reality to me. Honest. I'm good. It's all good.
But it doesn't mean that I can't be gutted at the site of a swaddled newborn in a place I'd least expect it.
And no, they didn't really follow me wherever I went - it just felt like it for a few minutes.
To punish this intrusion into my otherwise perfectly peaceful day, I steadfastly refused to look at them (save for the few furtive glances I snuck when I thought they weren't looking). I just needed not to look at them, the mom, the dad and their little sweet one. I needed them to know that not everyone was interested in cooing over their baby. I needed to pretend that they were no more interesting than anyone else wandering through the endless rows of begonias and geraniums.
Yeah. I'm going to hell. I know all this sounds horrible. Unthinkable. But the truth is, this is the kind of horrible, unthinkable stuff that sometimes rattles around in the head of someone who has lost a child. And someone who can't seem to get pregnant again no matter what she tries. This is what it's like inside the head of someone so far out on the fringe of fertility and motherhood she might as well be in Siberia.
This is self pity, paranoia, anger and sorrow at its ugly best. I'm not proud of it (in fact I'm not even sure why I'm admitting to it) but there it is.
But really, I AM okay.