Wednesday, May 09, 2007

Reason enough

Monday evening I sat on the couch and sobbed into my hands while I told My Beloved it would be okay if he left me. And I meant it. I really did. The thought of dragging him along with me any farther down this mournful, childless road was breaking my heart. All the crushing guilt I've felt since losing that first tiny soul nearly four years ago roared up in a massive tsunami of grief. I was being swallowed alive by my own shame.

It didn't help that I had a big glass of wine right before My Beloved came home. Yeah, that didn't help at all.

But let me back up...

I had my post-op appointment with my RE on Monday afternoon. He didn't tell me anything I didn't already know, except for one thing; He gave me a timeline. 6 - 12 months. That's what I've got before the cobwebs of scar tissue weave themselves back through me and take with them our hopes for another biological child.

I don't know if I'm a "scar tissue maker" or not. Dr. S. might be wrong. But the only way to tell is to do another lap in 6 months time, which he said is pointless. If I am a scarer, a second lap will only make things worse.

No, he says we should stumble along as best we can with one inexplicably blocked tube and insides that are currently as clean as they're likely ever going to be.

He drew a line in the sand. 6 - 12 months. And that's it.

For personal reasons I choose not to discuss here, IVF isn't an option for us. It's my best hope to have a child under the circumstances, but we won't be going down that road. We'll be doing IUIs when the conditions are physically right (when the dominant follicles form on the left side where my tube isn't blocked) and crossing our weary fingers.

So I came home, drank a glass of wine and sobbed. Horrible, angry, mournful, guilt-fueled, agonized sobs. I think I swore at God, I can't remember, but I know I cried like I haven't cried in a long, long time. It literally felt like my heart was breaking. You know that ache you get when you can't breathe from crying so hard and for a split second you think it's actually going to kill you? Yeah. Like that.

I'm tired of this being so hard. I'm tired of having my hopes dashed and my spirit crushed over and over and over again. I do a pretty good job at picking myself up and dusting myself off, but I keep wondering at what point I'll just decide it's much easier to lay there in the dirt instead.To stop fighting for happiness and let life drag me along behind it.

The thing is, the guy on the couch (who, with tears in his own eyes, told me there's nowhere else he'd rather be) is reason enough for me to keep plugging along. He once told me he didn't marry me for my uterus, and I don't think he has any idea how many times that has saved my soul over the past two years.

If he wants me - all guilt wracked, broken and potentially barren - then I must be worth wanting.

I'm not saying I need a man to validate my worth, or that I'm nothing without My Beloved. I'm just saying it's a very powerful thing when a person who you know so desperately longs to have another child tells you that he wants you even if you can't give him one.

To be loved that much is reason enough to keep on hoping - scar tissue, timeline and all. It's also reason enough to believe that even if our dream doesn't come true, I'll still be okay.

17 comments:

Lori said...

I can feel your heartache, and I am in awe of the beautiful love shared by you and your husband. I am so glad he is able to say the things you most need to hear, and mean them.

We did IUI, combined with Pergonal, to conceive all of our children- with success. I will be praying for speedy success for you as well, and an uneventful pregnancy with a joyful outcome.

Angela said...

I understand a little bit, and I am so sorry that you have to know that heartache. It's just awful. It is so hard.

Your husband sounds like such a wonderful person, I am so glad that you two have each other.

It may seem strange since I don't know you, but I read your blog daily and think of you often and I truly hope you are able to have healthy pregnancy and take-home baby--soon!

::hugs::

-Angela

niobe said...

You describe this sad scene so vividly it's almost like being there with you. I'm hoping with all my heart that your dreams come true.

delphi said...

I'm just so sorry that the possibility of this deadline all of a sudden exists for you. Though families are built so many wonderful ways, I know that our first choice is always to conceive our children in love and welcome them into our family. I will be hoping that you will soon see that come to fruition and praying that you find the strength to get there.

(((hugs)))

Kim said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Kim said...

What a beautiful, beautiful love you and your Beloved share. That love has already produced three beautiful children, and I pray that it will carry you through the next few months of uncertainty.

Kathy McC said...

(((hugs)))

Sara said...

Oh my heart aches for you. Your husband is a wonderful person, but so are you. Of course the love of another person as beautiful as either of you is enough to go on. That's not "needing a man." I am so hoping and praying for you that this 6 months will be enough.

((((hugs))))

Rosepetal said...

((hugs))

Catherine said...

You know, I read the last line of this post and immediately thought, "Of course you'll be ok." I know it's easy to say that from the cheap seats, but from what I know of you, you're not one to just give up on life.

You are one of the most amazingly loving people I "know," and I have everything crossed that you meet your timeline.

{{{hugs}}}

Thea said...

Huge ((((hugs))))

Lisa P. said...

Nothing to say but to share (((((hugs))))) and say your Beloved is a wonderful man.

Julie said...

(((((Kristin)))))

Julia said...

I am sorry that the timeline monster showed up at your house.
The love your husband and you share is beautiful, and I am sure it will carry you through the next 6 months and beyond. And I do hope you get to kick the monster to the curb.

doodle said...

(((HUGS)))

Laura said...

((((hugs)))

kate said...

I am sorry for the timeline news...and glad you have your Beloved. (((((((hugs))))))