Friday, August 10, 2007

The neverending story

We're either stubborn or stupid, but we decided we couldn't live without one last ultrasound. Not with the pregnancy symptoms still lingering and absolutely no signs of a miscarriage looming on the horizon at all.

I'm hovering around 10 weeks, and after getting so much advice from blogland and reading about misdiagnosed miscarriages online, we decided we needed to wait at least that long before throwing in the towel, no matter how many doctors advised us that we were "wasting time" by coming back again and again.

Thanks for that, Dr. Bedside. Your compassion was much appreciated.

So we went.

I expected nothing, but secretly hoped for something just the same. At the very least I wanted an answer.

Instead, more ambiguity. And no one to talk to us about it. They claimed there were no doctors in the building (my ass there weren't - we passed Dr. Beside in the hall heading up to his upstairs office 5 minutes before we were told they'd all left the building) and suggested I go see my own OB instead. He's affiliated with the clinic and I really did want to have a consultation with him soon anyway, but being told to go away in the midst of this ongoing agonizing limbo kind of makes me want to beat someone about the head with a car antenna.

All I know is that sac A is still empty and sac B has an "ill-defined" yolk sac in it.

They lied to us the first time that yolk sac was spotted. That was the appointment (now more than two weeks ago) that a different doctor told me he was 95% sure I'd miscarry. I asked, quite pointedly, if there was anything in either sac. His answer was a definitive "NO". And yet there was, which we found out at ultrasound #5, five days later. He robbed us of five precious days of hope, the bastard.

The very, very kind and compassionate technician I had for ultrasound #5 told us there was a yolk sac in sac B during the previous ultrasound, but that she was unable to locate it.

It magically reappeared today, albeit "ill-defined".

I know none of this is good. There should be a fetal pole and cardiac activity now. And Dr. Google told me that abnormal yolk sacs are almost always a predictor of a poor pregnancy outcome.

But I just wish someone could tell me for sure.

I'm pinning all my hopes on my poor OB, who I'm seeing first thing Wednesday morning. If he isn't able to explain all this - to tell me why I still feel pregnant, why both sacs are still growing, why my tummy is hard with that familiar fullness, why I can't just seem to miscarry and be done with it - my poor addled brain may just crumble into dust and trickle out my left ear in the night.

Tomorrow it will be four weeks since I saw the blue + on that stick. A month of this. A full month.

I have no idea how I'm even remotely sane. None whatsoever.

I've cried for my poor little tigers, for the dreams we tried not to dream but did, for My Beloved who wants another child so much it makes me ache, for our families who were so excited by our news, and for me - for the mother I want to be and for the empty arms I can't seem to fill.

So tonight I had a giant bowl of chocolate pudding after dinner. The amount of weight I've gained during this agonizing month is another subject altogether, I'm afraid...


wannabe mom said...

crap crapity crap. i'm sorry you still don't have definitive answers. i'm sorry for the stoopid ppl you have to deal with. i'm glad that you will be seeing your ob next week, hopefully he will have better news. ((((huggles))))

The Asbury Family said...

Enough already. This is pure torment for you. I'm so, so sorry that there are still questions. I'm also happy that there is some hope to be had.

I'm holding onto the hope for you.

Heather said...

I hope you get some answers soon.

Jill said...

Kristin, I remember everything you are describing about the wait:( The word agonizing doesn't even touch it.

My experience (involving many hours reading the message boards at Misdiagnosed Miscarriage)was that the was never anything visible inside the sac. The placenta kept growing but my stomach never went hard. It took 5 long weeks from the first U/S to m/c.

I say this neither to give nor take hope. I felt there was too much at stake to go thundering in with a D&C. The weeks would be long if I was losing the baby - my life was a hell of a lot longer if not. The plan was to D&C at 13 weeks if no m/c and clear u/s. We got to 12w.

Anyway, I am muttering away to you when all I want to say is that I understand the unique kind of hell this is. It really screws with your mind. Hold on to the thread that is keeping you going - the answer won't be far off either way((hugs))

delphi said...

I guess I was hoping for some magical, wonderful miracle to have happened by now. I guess we all were hoping that. The torture that you continue to endure is heartwrenching. I am sorry that the people who are supposed to be helping you (i.e. Dr. Bedside) are instead hiding from you.

Just know that I am here, offering as much support as I can. Thinking of you still, so often.

Julia said...

I am so mad that you are being treated this way. It is unconscionable and cruel. Hang on till Wednesday. Hope the days by some miracle go quickly. And I say chocolate, in any form, is the least you can do for yourself in this situation.

Margaret said...

Oh Kristin! I'm so sorry this is being dragged out and hope that you get some answers soon. It's so unbearably unfair.

Sending tons of ****Strength Vibes**** to you and your Beloved.

A bug's life said...

I dont know what to say :( I AM SO SORRY.

BethGo said...

I'm so sorry that you are going through this.
I've been there too only I found out at my 10 week ultrasound. I had horrible all-day morning sickness right up to the day of my D&C.
It makes no sense to me. No one tells you about this kind of stuff.

I'm still holding out hope for you too.

Rosemarie said...

It angers me that your doctors don't show a little more compassion.

I hope Wednesday provides definite answers.


Kathy McC said...

I am so sorry. I remember this happening with my first m/ was over a month wait and it was horrible. I wish I could take all of this pain for you...

kerrykate said...

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I've had 4 m/c, 2 of them were blighted ovums which sound like what you're going through. It hurts even more because you still feel pg since the develping placentas haven't gotten the mesasge yet.
Big hugs.

Kristen said...

I'm so very sorry. It just isn't fair. :'(

Denise said...

(((hugs))) - I'm sad and mad for you that they are not giving you the answers you need. I think they owe you that.

Angela said...

I am so terribly sorry that you are having to go through all this agonizing waiting. I'll be praying that you get a concrete answer soon. I guess I'm still hoping a little, too... ::hugs::

Aurelia said...

Concrete is good, limbo is hard, really really hard, especially when you are dealing with such gutless medical staff.

Suzanne said...

So awful and so hard to be in this limbo. I'm very sorry.

The medical staff has been mostly awful to deal with, and that's not right. Have they done bloodwork? Are the hcg levels going up? Are the sacs the appropriate sizes? The chart here of hcg levels and gestational sac meaurements were exact in my experience, though the hcg levels are for singletons. A yolk sac in one gestational sac is good...and it means no blighted ovum in that sac.

I'm a member of misdiagnosed miscarriage's boards, and I am one of the hopeful stories. I think I told Kate (Nicolas's Mom) that I actually know someone IRL that didn't see her daughter until week 12.

Holding onto hope here in Michigan.