Saturday, August 11, 2007

Silence

Yesterday morning while I was in the shower thinking, thinking, thinking, thinking about the upcoming ultrasound, it occurred to me that it might make sense to throw up a prayer or two, just in case. So many other people have been praying for us and the babies, it seemed wrong of me not to too.

So I tried. I really did. I mentally fumbled around trying to order my thoughts, trying to find words that sounded sincere - trying to convince myself and God that I actually believed that those mumbled, half-hearted prayers might actually make a difference.

But I'll let you in on a little secret: I didn't believe it at all, and I'm sure God knew that right from the first stupid word that fell out of my mouth.

The thing is, I just can't muster the energy to pray for all this to end well. I can't bear to beg God for one more thing that I know he can't or won't fix.

I figure if I don't ask him to make this pregnancy magically turn into a healthy, viable one, I can't be disappointed when I inevitably miscarry. If I don't ask, I can't get hurt. Again. I can't rage against him if I didn't ask him for anything in the first place.

After Thomas died I begged - absolutely begged - God to never let me lose another child. I was very clear on that point. I said I never ever wanted to be pregnant again if I wasn't going to take that healthy, live child home with me. I thought that was a very reasonable request, and one that I think should have been easy for him to grant.

And look where it got me. I'm waiting to miscarry not one, but two more babies.

6 comments:

Denise said...

(((hugs))) - I think your request was very reasonable. I'm still holding on to hope for you.

Anonymouse said...

I'm praying for you while you can't pray for yourself. Hope, peace, all of those things. Hang in there.

Heather said...

That all makes perfect sense to me.

I'll keep praying for you.

Sherry said...

I wish I couldn't relate to how you're feeling, but I can. = (

I have a difficult time praying for myself, but when I'm praying for others, there's no effort or stumbling over words. It just flows.

Many ((((HUGS)))) and continued prayers coming your way ...

Bronwyn said...

It can be so hard to hang onto hope when you've been let down so many times before. I'm thinking positive thoughts for you and hoping beyond hope that there is a happy ending in all of this. (((Big hug)))

kate said...

i got nothing....just wanted to send love & (((((hugs)))))