Thursday, August 16, 2007

Sometimes they should stop at "I'm sorry"

I love my OB. He's a good guy and probably as kind and compassionate a doctor as you'll ever get. He wasn't involved in any of the horrendous dealings we've had with the clinic in the last few weeks, and he actually apologized for the way we were treated - and with sincerity. He even had the decency to hang his head and avoid eye contact, he was so horrified on our behalf.

But as good a guy as he is, he still doesn't totally get it. We got the, "It was meant to be - better this than giving birth to a deformed baby" speech.

Oh, well okay then.

See, the thing is, I just don't know that that's true anymore. We all say we want a healthy, happy baby, but I've just added two dead ones to my list of five, and so I'm no longer sure I actually do need a perfect child. I'd take one that wasn't so perfect if I could just bring it home.

And aside from that, after what we've been through over the last four years, I simply don't need the "it was meant to be" speech. I'm way past needing that. I don't need to be told that the babies are in a better place, I don't need to be told that I have angels looking out for me, I don't need to be told that it was God's will, and I don't need to be told that that they weren't going to survive and this was simply nature's way of taking care of it.

I know all that. I know it. I learned it all the first time I sat hunched in agony in the ER waiting to miscarry our first child.

I'm not angry when I hear it all again. It's not that it bothers me per say, it's just that it's a waste of air. It's a waste of words, of time, of energy. And at the end of it all I have no choice but to nod in agreement and say thank you, even though what I really want to do is sigh, roll my eyes and tell the well-meaning person that now isn't the time to look for the silver lining.

But I'm saying this standing in my shoes looking out from my eyes. It's easy to know what to say and do when you're the one who knows what you need said and done.

I suppose it didn't help that the doctor, again attempting to soften the blow and make us feel better while he delivered the news we didn't want to hear, described the D&C as a simple, 5-minute procedure. In and out, as it were.

But the thing is, I've had a D&C. I know the drill. And hearing that it'll just take 5 minutes to scoop out the remains of the two little tigers we thought were going to complete our family doesn't really help me at all. Not one bit.

19 comments:

Sunny said...

Bless your heart. Your words spoke VOLUMES! I wish people would think before they speak and at least TRY to put themselves in other's shoes.

I wish you didn't have to go through this. NO WORDS can even... HUGS!

Alyssa said...

There really are no words to say other than I am so, so sorry for your loss. May you be held and sheltered in the love of those around you.

Patience said...

I can't add any words to those you've already said so very eloquently..... and my words would be more wasted air...

Just know that I'm thinking of you, and am so very sorry.... xxx

A bug's life said...

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Hugs))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

It wont lessen ur pain nothing will coming from me. I am thinking of You guys.

The Asbury Family said...

As sorry as I am that you're going through this, I admit that I'm guilty of being a dumb ass in the past. I'm sorry just doesn't seem enough when someone has gone through/is going through so much.

Thank you for making me see how hurtful the words can be, even when they are said with good intentions.

I'm so sorry.

Heather said...

Maybe it doesn't make you mad, but it makes me mad for you. I hate that people say those things.

How hard would it have been for him to shake your hand or (gasp) hug you and say that he is sorry???

I am sorry.

Denise said...

(((hugs))) - People that look for the silver lining don't get it or have never suffered a loss. You wanted 'those' babies...the ones you were carrying. The dreams and hopes you had for them were real. I'm so sorry that you had to listen to 'the speech'.

Trish said...

I'm sorry he's a dumb-ass. Even if he's a well-meaning one.
When changing to a new PCP a couple of months ago, I mentioned that I can't take something or other because of our TTC. He tried to give me the "my wife and I had 4 kids after she was 35, two of which, she was over 40.. you'll be fine.. RELAX." speech. I honestly think I could have decked him and not felt an ounce of regret. he's a doctor. Of anyone, HE should know better.

I'm very sorry for your loss. There is no silver lining to more lost babies.

Catherine said...

now isn't the time to look for the silver lining.

You'd think, being in his line of work, that he would have a clue as to the appropriateness of any given moment. I'm sorry.

Beruriah said...

Oh, I understand all too well what you mean. I hate all of those "comforting" phrases. It's not better that any of your babies aren't with you, and there is no way to help that pain. I'm sorry.

Kathy McC said...

The most well meaning comments are usually the most hurtful. I wish people could just keep their traps shut. I am really sorry....

kimberm_71 said...

I think doctors are required to master that speech in med school. Many hugs to you.

SaraS-P said...

I have often said that any doc who deals with pregnancy loss (ER doc, RE, ob/gyn) needs to have sensitivity training in med school, lead by women who've actually experienced loss.

Julia said...

You are so right. I remember being very grateful that my OB didn't say anything stupid then, and he still hasn't. I am so sorry you are going through this again, and that he is a well-meaning dumbass.

Shelli said...

Boy, do those words ring true. Having just suffered through my 4th loss, I can feel every bit of the emotion in your post. I am so sorry.

wannabe mom said...

he missed the part about just saying i'm sorry. goodness, how much longer does anyone have to endure such well-meaning dumbassedness. i am so sorry. thinking of you all, always.

decemberbaby said...

Those platitudes are just not helpful. And the one about how it's better to miscarry than to give birth to a deformed baby? It always left me thinking, "okay, but why did MY baby have to be deformed?"

Some comments just don't help. Doctors and nurses seem to need some training in this area.

I'm so sorry you're going through this loss again.

Nicole said...

(((hugs))) I wish you dint have to through any of this. So so sorry

Kim said...

I am thinking of you guys and praying for you. I wish you peace in the midst of all this pain.