Today My Beloved asked me why I'm so sad all the time.
I didn't really think I was sad all the time, so the question kind of caught me off guard. I was bothered by it for a couple of reasons. I mean, he's right - I am sad all the time, but I'm not just sad.
This is hard to explain.
I guess what I mean is the sadness of losing Thomas is permanent. It will always be there. I will never again be able to truthfully answer no if someone asks me if I'm sad. Of that I'm convinced. But I'm not just sad, I'm happy too - and I'm sure that happiness will grow and overtake more and more of the sadness as each year passes. But the sadness will never go away completely because if it did that would mean that I'd forgotten Thomas and that's never going to happen. Not if I live to be a thousand.
So I am sad all the time. I just didn't know I wasn't showing the happiness I feel too.
I feel awful that he sees so much sadness in me, but I guess it's because I let my guard down most when I'm around him. He knows the same pain and so he isn't uncomfortable seeing it the way I imagine other people are. I don't have to pretend with him, and the mask of forced happiness falls off when it's just the two of us alone.
But I hate the idea that he thinks all I am is sad, or that I think our life together is sad. It isn't. What happened to us is heartbreakingly sad, but our life together is wonderful. I love him more than I ever thought I could love another person and I love every moment I spend with him. Okay, almost every moment (I'm human, after all).
He's my best friend in the whole world and I love the life we've created together. I love the ordinariness of our existence - evening walks, inside jokes, watching movies snuggled on the futon in the room that used to be Thomas' - and I love the day to day comfort of knowing he's there. I love that he comes home to me every night and that we take refuge from the cold, cruel world in each other's arms.
We work hard at our relationship to make it as good as it is, but the reward is a love I used to pray fervently to God that I would someday find.
So, My Beloved, yes, I am sad all the time. But I'm also happier than I ever dreamed I could be.