Monday, October 10, 2005

I'll be home for Christmas

I had a crazy idea on the way home from apple picking today. I was thinking about how My Beloved and I are united in our shared grief, and how hard it must be for anyone to understand how we feel deep down inside, or to know how much pain we're still in. And then I started thinking about all the other couples who are grieving the same kind of loss we are and how hard the coming holidays are going to be for them too.

My crazy idea will seem particularly crazy - and maybe even hurtful - to any of my family members who happen to be reading this, but I'll try to explain my thinking as best I can.

What I imagined was somehow gathering up all the wounded souls I've met here in the blogisphere and in cyberspace - those who have also lost a child - and being with them at Christmas. I mean celebrating Christmas with them instead of our families.

I imagined a group of people who don't have to put on happy faces, pretend they're not hurting, or comfort others when all they want is to be comforted themselves. I imagined a group of people who are in the same pain, mourning a child who should be celebrating his or her first Christmas but is lost to the angels instead. I imagined us all united in our grief and complete understanding of each other, and it felt peaceful. It didn't feel morbid (as it might sound, particularly if you haven't lost a child) it just felt, well, good.

I just think it would be nice to not be different for once - to be in a group where I'm no more special or pitiful than anyone else there and to know that no one was looking at me and wondering what was going on in my head. Everyone at this Christmas table would know exactly what was going on in there.

I know that when Christmas comes there's no place I'll want to be except with my family. I know a Christmas without them would be torture and I'm sure I'll look back on this crazy thought and wonder what the hell was wrong with me today.

And to be honest, I don't really know what the hell's the matter with me today. I just know that this Thanksgiving weekend hasn't felt real. I feel like I'm faking my way through it all somehow, pretending Thomas isn't missing and that nothing's wrong.

I know everyone is feeling his loss. I know they all feel that this is surreal and wrong too. And I know that being with them has definitely helped me make it through this weekend without him. But I still think it would be nice to run away for Christmas. Just this once.

Okay fine, I guess I'm really trying to run away from Christmas. But, damn it, it's coming to town whether I like it or not and it's bringing that jolly fat man with it. Ho Ho Holy crap. There better be lots of rum in my egg nog...

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