Thursday, October 20, 2005

A very merry meltdown

I should have known better than to play Christmas carols on the piano. What the hell was I thinking?

Let me rewind...

I went out with a very good friend of mine this afternoon to hunt for Christmas sheet music for caroling purposes. We also drank hot cocoa and ate cookies and had a really nice time chatting (one of my favourite pastimes).

Anyway, I sat down at the piano to plunk out the carols we'd purchased after dinner. Yes, yes, I know it's early and the official Christmas music season doesn't start for another few weeks, but Santa wasn't watching. I swear.

I started to hum one of the carols as I was playing it and suddenly I felt an overwhelming sadness. It was crushing - and quite startling. I picked my way through the rest of the pieces and then wandered upstairs to sit with My Beloved in the office.

The guy has some kind of radar, I swear. He immediately knew something was wrong. I attributed my sudden melancholy to hormones (PMS?) and was content to let it rest there, but he kept asking what was wrong and, of course, before I knew it I was in tears. It only dawned on me as he held me in his arms while I cried into his neck that the reason I was crying was because I won't be able to sing those Christmas carols to Thomas.

I will never sing him to sleep.

I remember the many sweet daydreams I had while I was pregnant. I used to think a lot about what our life would be like, Thomas and me. I imagined us surprising my Mom and Dad with visits - and I pictured their beaming faces as we pulled into the driveway, I imagined taking Thomas out in his carriage when the cold of March turned to the warmth of spring and summer, I imagined seeing him toddling through the grass in the backyard, I imagined making dinners while he slept in his bassinet nearby, I imagined waking up and taking him, all warm and sweet, from his crib and rocking him back to sleep. And I imagined singing him lullabyes that would turn into Christmas carols come December.

I will never sing him to sleep.

I'm so lonely for my Thomas tonight.


Julie said...

I hate those moments. Those dawning moments where it hits you like a ton of bricks "I will never get to...." With me, the one that stands out in my mind was when I was still working, and a woman had her baby in a stroller pretty close to me in the store. She was doing something that the baby found hysterical, and he was giggling away. And then it hit me. I will never hear Caleb giggle like that. I lost it. The good thing is, that as time goes on, the moments still come from time to time, but with less intensity. They still make you sad, but it's a calmer sadness. It does get a little easier, I promise. ((((hugs))))

Catherine said...

I'm sorry. I wish I had some magical insight to make you feel better.

Jennifer said...

My heart aches for you and your beloved.

rachel said...

I'm so sorry Kristin. I wish I could say a few magical words to ease your pain.

A million hugs to you.