It's Thanksgiving weekend and tomorrow, the day Thomas would have turned 7 months old, will be our first holiday dinner without him.
It's funny how inconceivable it still is - how completely and utterly inconceivable it is that he's gone.
But he is, and I've missed him so terribly this week. It's incredible how fresh grief can feel when you're approaching a holiday so geared to family and togetherness. It's amazing how much it hurts...all over again.
As the week wore on, it became more and more important for me to do something special for him tomorrow, something quiet and meaningful so that I'll know he'll be as much a part of Thanksgiving as he possibly can be.
So before dinner I'm going to light a candle for Thomas and put it on our Thanksgiving table. His little light will glow bright and strong and be with us - the people I love most in the world - as we sit together and try very hard to count our blessings, knowing we all lost one of life's biggest blessings of all when we lost him.
I'm also going to light a second candle and put it in our front window in memory of all the tiny souls who've left us far too soon, and in support of the families who will be feeling those losses so keenly this weekend. I'm going to do it on the American Thanksgiving day and on Christmas too.
There's strength in numbers and so I invite anyone who has lost a baby through miscarriage or infant loss to do the same. Light a candle for our little ones on Thanksgiving Day and on Christmas.
Hopefully the glow from the candles will bring warmth to hearts feeling the chill of grief and hope to those, like me, who are struggling so hard to find it again.