Monday, October 31, 2005

If he was here

I've been trying very hard not to think about the little Old Navy Halloween sleeper that's tucked away with all of Thomas' things in the basement. It had a little ghost on the front of the long sleeved t-shirt, and brown, orange and black striped velour leggings. He would have worn it today, whenever he wasn't wearing whatever adorable little costume we'd have bought for him.

I've been trying hard not to think about it, but of course it's all I can think about. I guess this is the first day since he died that I know what, out of all of the cute little things we had for him, he would have most certainly been wearing.

It's a hard, strange day because I know what Thomas would have had on today if he was here.

I hate "if".

But at least my Today's Parent subscription has finally ended. I got the notice today, which means we won't be getting any more issues in the mail, thank GOD.

I hate "if" and I'm not really liking today, but I love that that blasted subscription is finally done.


MB said...

Last Halloween, I broke down in sobs in my closet because all I could think about was the little pumpkin sleeper hanging in the nursery closet. The funny thing is that I'm thinking about it again, but it hurts just a tiny bit less. I hope next year is just a little bit easier for you too. I'm sorry.

Catherine said...

I normally love Halloween. Now I hate Halloween. God help me make it through this holiday season...cause I'm going to need all the help I can get.

deadbabymama said...

Halloween was brutal last year, but we stood on our new front porch and gave out candy together. This year I did it on my own and it was a whole lot easier. I actually kind of enjoyed myself, but part of that is just our neighbourhood which has tons of immigrants so watching kids on their first Halloween since they moved here is pretty great. There's nothing like it, really, kids with no costumes and a plastic grocery bag who just look thrilled that someone gives them something for nothing and tells them to have fun; even the parents look drunk with the novelty of it all.

I barely remember last Christmas and what I do remember is being pissed off that no one mentioned the deadbaby, or said anything like "I know this must be hard for you."

It does get easier, it does get easier, it does get easier; it doesn't go away but by god it does get easier.

smileyeily323 said...

I just wanted to let you know that I especiallly thought of you today. I do everyday, it is hard to look at my March baby and not, but today I did a little more. I think my exact thoughts as I put Eily's costume on were, "Damn it msfitzita should be doing this!" (Although I used your name of course.) I sat there wishing I could do something...anything to take your pain away. Pain that no mother should ever have to bear. I am so sorry for the "if's". I wish I could do more, all I can do is let you know that you were thought of, you and Thomas. Sending you lots of ((hugs)) and slobbery Eily kisses, for having the courage to make it though such a tough day.