Thursday, October 06, 2005

Magic beams

This has been a hard week for some reason. I suspect it's because Thanksgiving is rapidly approaching and even though we've made it through both of our birthdays as well as Mother's Day and Father's Day since Thomas died, this will be the first big family holiday without him.

I can remember, like it was yesterday, my Mom sitting at the table last Thanksgiving and pointing to the spot where we'd put the highchair this year. The highchair we never bought because, as it turns out, we don't need it this year after all. It was such a sweet moment that my sister even took a picture of my Mom pointing and smiling.

Remembering that moment hurts so much now that I couldn't bear the thought of being at their house for Thanksgiving dinner. I couldn't bear seeing the spot she'd pointed to - a little baby sized space between her and me - with nothing in it. So we're having dinner here instead.

No one knows why we asked everyone here, but that's the reason. I want Thanksgiving to be as happy as possible and if we go there all I'll see is that empty spot beside me that should have been filled with Thomas.

I was thinking a lot about him on the way home from visiting my Mom and Dad today, and chatting with him too. As they often do, our chat ended in tears and with me pleading with him to help me make some sense of all of this. Poor Thomas with such a needy Mommy. A needy Mommy who was crying and driving at the same time. Yipes.

As I neared home I noticed a beautiful cloud formation - the kind that has a hole punched in its centre that allows beams of light to escape and flood down to earth. I call it a bible sky because for some reason skies in the bible are always illustrated that way - with great beams of light raining down from a bank of gilt-edged clouds.

Anyway, as soon as I saw the clouds and the beams of light I knew it was a sign from Thomas. Call me crazy, but I just know it was him telling me that he heard me and that he's close by.

This sounds crazy too, but I could have sworn that one big, beautiful shaft of light was beaming right down over our house. I couldn't actually see the house at that point, but I was close enough to imagine that it was possible for the light from that sunbeam to be raining down right over top of it.

I wanted to get home to see if it really was, but just when I was 30 seconds from knowing for sure, the beam disappeared completely. It went out like a lamp.

He didn't want to spoil the magic. It was enough for me to know he was there.

I know, I know. It all seems like crazy talk, but when you've lost a piece of your heart you grasp at just about any straw that happens to come your way offering comfort. And I don't care what anyone says, a bible sky appearing, complete with a beam of light that seemed to be hovering right over my house, seems like a pretty good sign to me.

And if you think it wasn't, shhhhhhhhhh. It's been a hard week and I have a hard weekend in front of me. I need all the magic I can get right now.


Catherine said...

There is nothing wrong with believing in magic or whatever else you might believe in. I believed in signs before I lost Alex...and now I still believe in them (and have experienced them). Don't ever let doubt cloud out that light.

Sherry said...

It's not crazy talk at all! I've had very similar moments, too, and I'm sure that the holidays will be weird here as well.

It seems like all these "firsts" are the absolute worst to deal with and there's no getting around them. Hopefully you'll find comfort in being with your family for the holiday - and I'm sure Thomas will be there, too. You'll be surrounded by love ...

Bronwyn said...

It's nice that Thomas is sending you little signs (and I don't think it's weird at all to believe in them!). I know what you mean about the upcoming holidays triggering a huge sense of loss. Last year was almost unbearable, and I had so hoped to be at least be pregnant again by this holiday season, if not already holding a new baby... but anyway, we'll get through them somehow. Your thanksgiving plans sound great -- I'm sure it will be a comfort to have your family around. I don't "do" Canadian Thanksgiving (I usually wait and go down for the American one), so have a slice of turkey for me and everyone else south of the border!

lauralu said...

easter was the first major family get-together after we lost our son, and i have to say that it was such a relief to be in the bosom of family (i hate the word "bosom", but it's the best word to describe what my husband's family gave me). i hope your tg gives you what you need.

Jill said...

It sounds as though you and Thomas shared an amazingly profound moment. Nothing weird about that, just very special:)

I hope your Thanksgiving brought you some comfort.