Thursday, January 19, 2006

All shades of blue

I feel blue today. I had a really nice afternoon with my best friend and my Mom and Dad (we took lunch over to their house and had a great time talking, eating and laughing) but when I came home to the empty house I found myself feeling kind of empty too.

I hate these days. I have so few of them now, but they really take a lot out of me when they do sneak up on me. For the most part I'm pretty even keeled these days (with the exception of holidays which wring me out completely) but every now and again, WHAM. It hits, and the loneliness and sorrow I feel for Thomas is suddenly overwhelming again.

I just want him here so badly.

The sight of the 4-month old behind us on his Grandma's knee is actually making me physically ache. I can see them through the kitchen window as I busy myself with dinner preparations.

Part of me wants to call my most supportive friends and ask for a long distance hug or two, but another part of me feels like I should just wade my way through today on my own. This is what my life is and I have to rely on my own inner resources to battle the demons that will inevitably keep popping up on days when I think they're as far away as Thomas is.

Oh my boy, I just wish so much that you were here.

After all this time it's still so unfathomable that you're not.

8 comments:

Karen said...

Oh Msfitzita, I pray for you during this grief process. I know of no perfect words but to tell you that I care. Even though I don't know you. I am praying for you.

the ockers said...

heres a really big long distance [[[[[[((((((HUG))))))]]]]]]
from me :)

Denise said...

((((((hugs))))))

kate said...

((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))

JPAKAJR said...

((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))) and we miss you:-) We all thinking about you and Thomas and Sherry and Ryan often. Like I told Sherry both of you have touched my heart in so many ways!
((((WARM SQUISY HUGS)))

Sherry said...

((((HUGS)))) All I can do is nod in agreement about everything you said - and send a huge long-distance hug your way.

cjzben said...

You can always call when you need a hug, you don't have to face things alone...really you don't. I know of at least six lovely ladies who would be there in a heart beat. Sorry you were blue yestrday.
Sending you a hug.
Claire

smileyeily323 said...

I am so sorry that you are having such a blue day. You are so right, it is unfathomable that he is gone. I wish so much that Thomas was there with you too. I agree with Claire, you don't have to do this alone. Please add me to the list of ladies that would be there anytime day or night. I have been feeling very down in the dumps lately too. I know it is for different reasons, but maybe we could cheer each other up? Just please know that I am always here and so are the other ladies, and we care about you and Thomas. We all would do anthing we could to be there for you, and to just be your friend.
(((Hugs)))
Christy & Eily