All shades of blue

I feel blue today. I had a really nice afternoon with my best friend and my Mom and Dad (we took lunch over to their house and had a great time talking, eating and laughing) but when I came home to the empty house I found myself feeling kind of empty too.

I hate these days. I have so few of them now, but they really take a lot out of me when they do sneak up on me. For the most part I'm pretty even keeled these days (with the exception of holidays which wring me out completely) but every now and again, WHAM. It hits, and the loneliness and sorrow I feel for Thomas is suddenly overwhelming again.

I just want him here so badly.

The sight of the 4-month old behind us on his Grandma's knee is actually making me physically ache. I can see them through the kitchen window as I busy myself with dinner preparations.

Part of me wants to call my most supportive friends and ask for a long distance hug or two, but another part of me feels like I should just wade my way through today on my own. This is what my life is and I have to rely on my own inner resources to battle the demons that will inevitably keep popping up on days when I think they're as far away as Thomas is.

Oh my boy, I just wish so much that you were here.

After all this time it's still so unfathomable that you're not.