Sunday, January 29, 2006

Prayers, pride and an idea...

I don't think it's a secret to anyone that My Beloved and I are trying again. However, it is a secret that we've been trying for almost 8 months without success.

There. I've said it. I steadfastly refused to tell anyone anything when we first decided to try for a second child (well, technically it would be our fourth since I miscarried twice before Thomas) because neither of us wanted the pressure of people waiting and wondering and watching and speculating and whispering month after month after month. But since we know they must have figured it out by now, I'm officially letting the cat out of the bag.

I know I'm at a disadvantage because of my age - and God knows what the hell has gone on inside me after two miscarriages, a D&C and a physically traumatic C-section - so I know 8 months isn't actually that long in the grand scheme of things, but quite honestly it's starting to feel like it is.

People who started trying when we did and were successful right away will be delivering their babies in a month or so. That makes it seem like a very long time indeed.

According to my doctor It's allegedly "just a matter of time" (a phrase I'm going to slap right out of the next person who tries to use it on me). So I'm attempting to make good use of that time.

I've been praying about all this for months now. It's still an uneasy relationship, God's and mine, but I figure that since he's the one holding all the cards I don't really have any choice but to go to him. Today at Mass I literally begged him to let us have another child. It wasn't pretty, but my pride has long since vanished. I'm willing to do whatever it takes. In addition to begging, when I pray I'm always quick to qualify that we want to take our next baby home with us - and I want us all to grow old together. I wasn't clear on that last time...

Now here's the thing - I know I'm not alone. I know there are many people out there who are trying to have a baby - whether it be their first, their first after a loss, their first after many losses, or maybe their 7th after no losses at all - and I thought maybe if we all kind of ganged up on God (so to speak) and prayed for each other, those prayers might be answered a little quicker...or just plain answered.

As much as I struggle with my relationship with God, I believe in the power of prayer. As I've said before, I know the prayers of family, friends and strangers have carried me safely to the place where I am now. I'm willing to give it another try - to rely on prayers to help us yet again.

I'm generally a pretty private person when it comes to matters of spirituality, but as I said, my pride has long since disappeared and I'm not ashamed to ask for help. In return I will happily pray for you too. I know the joy in seeing a glimpse of heaven in the face of a child of your own, and so I know what it means to want that almost more than life itself.

And I do.

And so I'll pray...

8 comments:

Sherry said...

You have my prayers - as you have since March. I, too, have re-worded my prayers since I wasn't clear enough the first time. I guess I thought the Big Guy would just know what I meant when I prayed for a baby of my own. But, with the specifics I now include, there's no possible way He can misinterpret what I'm saying and asking for - for you, for myself, and the countless others looking for this blessing.

Bekki said...

I'm praying for you. Let's hope the prayers are answered really soon.

Denise said...

Sending you lots of (((hugs))) and continued prayers that your wish come true.

Scrappy_Lady said...

Today, and every day, you are in my prayers.

Lori said...

As always, I'll be including you in my prayers. Maybe if I double my prayer effort......

Bronwyn said...

I never thought that 18+ months after losing Lydia that I would still be baby-free. It's very trying (no pun intended)! Now that I'm more or less off the market for the time being, I'm sending you all of my baby vibes! I hope that you don't have to wait too much longer for Thomas' brother or sister...

Jill said...

Well, I'm not really a member of the God Squad, but if we're forming a posse, then I'm in!

I will specifically ask that you and everyone who has felt the pain of loss(es) be freed from that agony ever renewing itself and that you get the chance to glimpse heaven day in and day out in the face of your 'take home' baby:)And soon. And that was *take home*. As in LIVE at home with the folks. Specific, that's what we need to be. ((hugs))

jogger blogger said...

Since Thomas left you in March, you and your beloved have been in my prayers. For a number of months, I didn't know what or how to pray...I seemed to be unsure of what to ask for. So I left my prayer very general and I just prayed for both of you. In December, I decided to take a more direct approach and I called in prayer support from my family and friends. I just gave people your first names only (to protect your privacy). And I asked each person to pray that god would bring you a healthy son or daughter (just to be clear). The initial group started out as 2 people and now exceeds 15 - so the big guy needs to listen now! I hope our prayers are answered soon