I don't think it's a secret to anyone that My Beloved and I are trying again. However, it is a secret that we've been trying for almost 8 months without success.
There. I've said it. I steadfastly refused to tell anyone anything when we first decided to try for a second child (well, technically it would be our fourth since I miscarried twice before Thomas) because neither of us wanted the pressure of people waiting and wondering and watching and speculating and whispering month after month after month. But since we know they must have figured it out by now, I'm officially letting the cat out of the bag.
I know I'm at a disadvantage because of my age - and God knows what the hell has gone on inside me after two miscarriages, a D&C and a physically traumatic C-section - so I know 8 months isn't actually that long in the grand scheme of things, but quite honestly it's starting to feel like it is.
People who started trying when we did and were successful right away will be delivering their babies in a month or so. That makes it seem like a very long time indeed.
According to my doctor It's allegedly "just a matter of time" (a phrase I'm going to slap right out of the next person who tries to use it on me). So I'm attempting to make good use of that time.
I've been praying about all this for months now. It's still an uneasy relationship, God's and mine, but I figure that since he's the one holding all the cards I don't really have any choice but to go to him. Today at Mass I literally begged him to let us have another child. It wasn't pretty, but my pride has long since vanished. I'm willing to do whatever it takes. In addition to begging, when I pray I'm always quick to qualify that we want to take our next baby home with us - and I want us all to grow old together. I wasn't clear on that last time...
Now here's the thing - I know I'm not alone. I know there are many people out there who are trying to have a baby - whether it be their first, their first after a loss, their first after many losses, or maybe their 7th after no losses at all - and I thought maybe if we all kind of ganged up on God (so to speak) and prayed for each other, those prayers might be answered a little quicker...or just plain answered.
As much as I struggle with my relationship with God, I believe in the power of prayer. As I've said before, I know the prayers of family, friends and strangers have carried me safely to the place where I am now. I'm willing to give it another try - to rely on prayers to help us yet again.
I'm generally a pretty private person when it comes to matters of spirituality, but as I said, my pride has long since disappeared and I'm not ashamed to ask for help. In return I will happily pray for you too. I know the joy in seeing a glimpse of heaven in the face of a child of your own, and so I know what it means to want that almost more than life itself.
And I do.
And so I'll pray...