I went out for a walk this morning, right in the middle of a little bit of a snow storm. In an effort to prove that my timing remains impeccable, the gods have since stopped the snow and it looks like the sun might, might peek out from the clouds at some point this afternoon.
I didn't really mind the snow, except that the dime-sized flakes made it difficult to see when they landed on the lenses of my glasses. As a result I walked with my head down, tucked into my chest, while I was walking into the wind. Happily I had on the cozy hat and scarf my sister bought for me in Ireland two summers ago.
As I rounded a corner, forcing the wind and snow to lash at my back instead of my face, I started thinking about Thomas. Actually, I started talking to him. I don't know what it is about walking that always seems to make me feel so connected to him - like he's right there with me. Maybe it's because walking is almost meditative, and when my mind is released from the confines of the house and mundane tasks like grocery shopping it soars to meet his tiny spirit. I have no idea, but I whatever the reason, I love it.
I told him I probably wouldn't have taken him out in the storm, but I would have held him up to the window so we could watch it from inside, all cozy, dry and snuggly together. I would have pointed out all the big, fluffy snowflakes and talked to him about God, who made them.
Yes, the same God who I now mostly just eye warily.
I told him my life would be so different if he was still here, but that even though it's another kind of different now, it's okay. I told him I will love him forever. I said he would have been enough - we wouldn't have asked for another baby if we still had him. He would have been enough for both of us, our beautiful boy.
I don't know why I feel the need to try to convince him that I love him - that I haven't forgotten about him and that I'll miss him until the day I die. He knows that. I know he knows that. But I still need to say it to him just the same. And since he came out to walk with me today, it seemed like a good time.