Friday, January 06, 2006

Night and day

Finally, a day with sun! All day long - a big fat sun accompanied by a sea of robin's egg blue sky.

It's incredible how much seeing the sun changes my mood. Today was a good day. A very good day.

The first few weeks after Thomas died I would start to get a horrible feeling of dread as the afternoon shadows turned into evening darkness. It was March and I knew there was another month and a half before the days would start to get longer. It terrified me. Those first few weeks were awful in so many ways, and the long evenings were like a shroud that came to smother me every night - it felt like I was suffocating. Once darkness fell it wasn't so bad, but the slow death of the day was horrible, and it came to torment me every night without fail.

I can remember laying on the couch feeling dreadful and useless while My Beloved busied himself in the kitchen making dinner. I would stare at the TV, half watching, while he cooked and ran about the house doing whatever he could find to do in a frenetic attempt to keep himself busy - to keep himself from thinking.

Those days were so unspeakably horrible. Even though I know it was me on the couch dreading the darkness and My Beloved running himself ragged in an effort to block the pain - I can't believe it was us. I can't believe we endured it all. And I still can't quite figure out how.

As I was making the bed today I thought, "what would I answer if someone asked me how I am - how I'm doing?" My standard answer has always been, "Oh, there are ups and downs. Good days and bad days." But today I realized that's not exactly true anymore. I do still have the occasional horrible day (like Christmas Eve) but now mostly I just have days. Days without Thomas. Days as a childless mother. Days of happiness and sorrow.

I'm not back to normal, because I'm not that person and that normal is gone. But I think I've settled into my new normal. There aren't ups and downs like those horrific early days, weeks and months. There is just the steady pace of a life tainted by unthinkable sorrow.

I'm not sure if that's bad or good.

I guess it just is.

1 comment:

kate said...

I am glad to see that you have found your new normal. I also wonder how we made it through those first few weeks, looking back. I hope you continue to have more good days than bad....a little respite in the next two months, because March will be hard. (((((hugs))))) to you, and good luck with the diet! I have been thinking of you over christmas but not reading blogs much.