Today we went out and I got my shelves! The top of the basement stairs has never looked more organized or safer than it does right now. The cat carrier has been put away, the sheet is on the Christmas tree and all the miscellaneous odds and ends that were threatening the health and safety of all household stair users have found a home on the new shelves. It's a thing of beauty. Truly.
And, just in case you were wondering, we haven't had a fire yet so I haven't had to use the fire extinguisher. Could be things are looking up.
So overall today was a pretty good day, even though mid way through it My Beloved suggested that perhaps my moodiness of late is because I might be pregnant. But I'm not. I know I'm not - two tests and a period don't lie.
I explained that it was possible for me to be pissed off with him without me being pregnant, shocking as that might be.
And then we carried on with our Saturday. It was spent running errands, going for a walk, making dinner, putting up the shelves, watching the Leafs lose yet again, and playing ping pong.
I keep trying really hard to remind myself that this is a good life. Yes, it's a life without our son, but it's still a good and happy life in so many ways. We're healthy, we financially stable, we're in love and we have wonderful families and friends who care about us more than we ever knew. Life is good and kind. Mostly.
It's just that I wish I could fill that little empty hole. I wish I didn't feel like my life was incomplete. I wish I didn't feel like I'm just killing time until...until something. I wish I knew what to do next. I wish I could get pregnant and feel the promise and joy I felt when I was carrying my boy. I wish I could feel complete happiness the way I used to before death wandered into my life and took up residence in a most disturbing and unwelcome way.
I wish Thomas wasn't missing.
Above all, I wish for that.