I started Weight Watchers on Monday.
I just decided that it was time to really take control of things and get myself a little healthier in the event that I do manage to get pregnant again. I'm glad I made the decision, but terrified that soon I'm going to start eating furniture, paper, jewelry and, well, really anything that isn't nailed down.
Why are the people on diet commercials always smiling? There's nothing to smile about. This isn't funny. Hell, this isn't even fun. So quit smiling, you self-righteous skinny people, you! Stop making it look like you're having a good time - I know you're not!! I know you're slightly light-headed, hungry and completely fixated on every single thing that's going into your mouth as well as the mouths of everyone in your line of sight. I know you'd cheerfully shove that guy with the burger into traffic just for a teaspoon of the ketchup on his Whopper.
That's right, I know you inside and out my friend. I am you.
Oh God, I'm so hungry...
Everyone says the first few days are the worst, but surely this can't be right! Am I supposed to be this hungry? Am I supposed to be coveting my neighbour's Jell-o, for God's sake?
Thank God it's not BBQ season or they'd find me wandering from yard to fragrant yard salivating like a stray dog and begging for scraps.
Speaking of animals, have I told you how much I envy the cat and her constant access to kibble? I always make sure her bowl is full. It's like a Las Vegas buffet. Okay, so she doesn't have grits, gravy and fried chicken to choose from, but the food is always out and she can have as much of it as she wants. Lucky bitch.
I just keep trying to remember that I'm doing this for the best reason possible. Not that fitting into a slinky dress isn't a good reason, but wanting to be healthy for a future child is an even better one, and that's my primary goal. I can't be the reason another baby dies inside me. I know that sounds like the war-cry of a desperate crazy lady...wait a second, how did I end up in these fatigues? Where did this helmet come from??
So yes, I'm a little concerned that this is going to turn into an obsession - a distraction from the sorrow that I'll end up embracing with just a little too much fervor - but I'm willing to take that risk for now. I'm generally good at recognizing when I'm headed for the brink and hopefully that skill hasn't left me.
Oh Thomas. How much easier life would be if you were just here in my arms.
Reason number 7,465,721 why I miss you so desperately...