Tuesday, April 11, 2006

13 months and I forgot

I just realized I completely forgot Thomas' angel day on Sunday.

When he first died I counted the weeks until eventually they blurred, stretched and turned into long, sad months. But I remembered the 9th of every month. His angel day - the day he was born and the day we knew he would soon become an angel.

But this time I totally forgot.

And now I'm suffocating in guilt and shame. I forgot.

Oh Thomas, please know that I could never, ever forget you even though I forgot your 13th angel day - never, never, never.


DinosaurD said...

Forgetting that a certain day is Thomas' angel day is not the same thing as forgetting Thomas (it's not, it's not).
Please do not beat yourself up over this - you remember Thomas every day, not just on his angel days.

sillyhummingbird said...

I agree with DinoD--forgetting his angel day is NOT forgetting him. I always look to the poem I read at my son's funeral when I have forgotten some aspect of a special "day" for him, like his angel day.

It is by Christina Rossetti:
Remember Me

Remember me when I am gone away,
Gone far away into the silent land;
When you can no more hold me by the hand,
Nor I half turn to go yet turning stay.
Remember me when no more day by day
You tell me of our future that you planned:
Only remember me; you understand
It will be late to counsel then or pray.
Yet if you should forget me for a while
And afterwards remember, do not grieve;
For if the darkness and corruption leave
A vestige of the thoughts that once I had,
Better by far you should forget and smile
Than that you should remember and be sad.

Thinking of you. (((HUGS)))

Abby said...

(((HUGS))) Thomas knows you could never forget him. No one who was touched by him could ever forget him.

Sherry said...


hoping4_zzzsss said...

*HUGS*!!! Your forgetting the day, doesn't mean that you are forgetting Thomas, I know you know that. You honor him and love him EVERY single day and that has become part of your life...so much so that you can't distinguish between the moments that you should treat as special and the moments that are just happening 2nd nature because EVERY moment you think of him is special and thinking of him IS 2nd nature and as I said, you think of him every moment. :) I know you do. *HUGS*

Bronwyn said...

Think of this as a positive thing -- it means that you're no longer focused on the day he died, but on the memory of the time that he was a part of your life. For me it was at around 9 or 10 months after losing Lydia that I started forgetting the month anniversaries. I tried to look at it as a positive sign that I was starting to heal a bit, but I admit that I also felt guilty about it. But they know we'll never forget about them...

Bronwyn said...
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kate said...

(((((hugs))))))) Like Bronwyn, was earlier on when i first forgot the month-marker. I did feel very guilty, and didn't forget again for awhile, but somewhere between 12 and 18 months i stopped marking it in my mind. It became 1 year, 1 1/2 years, not months. I realized, though, that we do the same thing with our living children, so it is not so bad, really. If Thomas was alive and someone asked his age, you would probably say '1 year', not '13 months'.

You are not forgetting him.

Denise said...

((hugs)) I'm sure to Thomas the date isn't as important as what you do to honour his spirit on an ongoing basis...and to everyone that 'knows' you it is obvious how much you love and cherish Thomas.

Margaret said...

(((Huge Hugs))) Try not to be hard on yourself for not realizing the day. Like the others have said, you still remember him every day - and that is what matters.

MB said...

He knows you will never forget him. Sending hugs...

Nikki said...

((((KRISTIN))))) I agree with PP that you shouldnt feel bad its all part of healing and Thomas knows you love him and cherish his memory every day that has passed since he grew his wings. You are a wonderful Mommy and Thomas I know looks down on you with pride and love to have been blessed with such a remarkable lady as his Mommy. ((((HUGS)))))

Shan said...

This may sound strange, but I have to say it. Congratulations, you have reached a major milestone in your grief journey. You may not remember the day, but you will always remember Thomas. I think of Ian all the time, but the calendar doesn't affect my grief anymore...until we get to July. *sniff*