Wednesday, April 05, 2006

Not such a good afternoon

Do you ever sometimes have a big cry stuck in your heart that you know needs to come out? Do you ever stifle those cries? I've cried so much, and I know where it gets me. Exhausted, puffy eyed and completely spent. I just can't bear to set this cry free. I'm too tired to cry. Too fucking sick and tired.

I had a good day - a good, productive and happy day.

And now there's an ache in my chest because I just spent 20 minutes talking to my pregnant neighbour on the driveway about baby things. I want to be her so badly it literally aches. Honest to God, I can actually feel it.

I want to go back to two months before Thomas was born. I want to be going to prenatal classes. I want to be buying burp pads and onesies. I want to be shopping for strollers and car seats and diapers and creams.

I want it all back. Damn it, I want it back!!

What kind of fucked up system is this??? Why do people have babies that die? Why do the gods let those people get pregnant at all?

I've said before that I would do it all again to have those beautiful months with Thomas growing inside me and to have the chance to see his sweet little face. And I would. I swear I would - in a heartbeat.

But there's definitely something to be said for never having to go through this agony. This ongoing, life-sucking agony that I can't hide from no matter how hard I try.

Fuck me. I can't even go shopping.

I just want some peace. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. I want peace and I want this fucking ache to go away.

10 comments:

Margaret said...

((((((CK))))))

Erin said...

I am so sorry Kristin. I hope you know how brave and strong you are.

cjzben said...

Kristin, I am so sorry youa re having a rough day. It is so bloody unfair. I am thinking of you.

Laura said...

Kristin ((((hugs))))
I know, I know, I know...I wish that I could give you a big squeeze in real life. Crying is so exhausting, but we have to cry the weight of our grief in tears. And that weight is huge. Smarty is right--you are very brave. I hope that tomorrow is a gentler day.

Julie said...

Wishing you peaceful, more gentle days and sending you lots of hugs. I know it doesn't take the pain away, but it's all I have to offer. I'm sorry you know how this feels. (((((Kristin)))))

Nikki said...

((((((Kristin))))) I wish I could take your pain away and it breaks my heart to see you suffer, you are such a wonderful woman and Im truly blessed to have come to know you. I hope your days ahead will be easier and that Im thinking of you always!!!

nicole(mama2emmy) said...

I wish there was something I could do to make your pain go away but all I can offer are major (((((hugs))))

GhettoFab said...

Sorry your having a bad day. I just wanted to tell you that your words have helped me so much. You express your feelings so well. Sometimes when I read it I feel like your in my head. Hope you feel better. You guys are in our thoughts and prayers. ((hugs))

Anne

Sherry said...

Yes, I think "fuck" sums it up pretty well, unfortunately.

I wish I could undo your ache and put things right. I wish that so terribly much for you. ((((HUGS))))

kate said...

(((((((((hugs)))))))))))) I am so sorry...i wish i could do more...