Do you ever sometimes have a big cry stuck in your heart that you know needs to come out? Do you ever stifle those cries? I've cried so much, and I know where it gets me. Exhausted, puffy eyed and completely spent. I just can't bear to set this cry free. I'm too tired to cry. Too fucking sick and tired.
I had a good day - a good, productive and happy day.
And now there's an ache in my chest because I just spent 20 minutes talking to my pregnant neighbour on the driveway about baby things. I want to be her so badly it literally aches. Honest to God, I can actually feel it.
I want to go back to two months before Thomas was born. I want to be going to prenatal classes. I want to be buying burp pads and onesies. I want to be shopping for strollers and car seats and diapers and creams.
I want it all back. Damn it, I want it back!!
What kind of fucked up system is this??? Why do people have babies that die? Why do the gods let those people get pregnant at all?
I've said before that I would do it all again to have those beautiful months with Thomas growing inside me and to have the chance to see his sweet little face. And I would. I swear I would - in a heartbeat.
But there's definitely something to be said for never having to go through this agony. This ongoing, life-sucking agony that I can't hide from no matter how hard I try.
Fuck me. I can't even go shopping.
I just want some peace. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. I want peace and I want this fucking ache to go away.