I went to my old church for the Good Friday service this afternoon. My Dad asked if I would sing with the choir over Easter weekend, and because he's my Daddy (and also the choir director) I just couldn't refuse.
But I have to tell you, the experience certainly reinforced the fact that God and I still have a lot of work to do on our relationship.
Instead of feeling peaceful and contemplative after the service (which I have traditionally always found very moving and spiritually fulfilling) I was seething with anger. I walked in the door and exploded when I got home.
My poor Beloved stood in the kitchen mixing up the egg salad for our sandwiches (yes, I went meatless even though I'm mad at God) and listened to me rant and rave at the God he's always known me to have great affection for. Historically, anyway.
After patiently listening to my tortured rant, My Beloved reluctantly offered his take on things. And, as always, I think he hit the nail on the head. He said I feel abandoned by God. Although I hadn't thought of it in exactly that way, he's absolutely correct. God left me in my hour of need. He chose not to answer my frantic prayers. He let my son die.
And I have no idea why.
If I just knew that - if I just knew why Thomas had to die I could come to terms with God's decision and move on, confident that I understood the plan and Thomas' place in it.
But I don't - I still don't understand any of this, and I feel like God has wandered off somewhere and left me twisting in the wind. I'm lost and so far he's doing a lousy job at finding me.
I'm not totally sure what else to do, to be quite honest. I've prayed, I've begged for help, I keep going to Mass - I'm searching like a madwomen, but all I hear is silence.
That can't be right, can it? It's a lousy system if it is, that's for sure.
Maybe I don't have the spiritual depth I thought I had. I used to wonder how people who once proclaimed to have strong faith could have that faith shaken so violently by the trials of life. It was so simple to me - you just look to God for help. Cling to your faith and draw strength from it. Turning away from God made no sense to me.
Until now. Because now I realize that it's not so much that you turn away, it's that you can't find what you've been struggling so hard to turn to.
No matter how hard I try, I can't find the comfort I want or the answers I so desperately need. I know there's a God - it's just that he's not who I thought he was.
But then maybe I'm not who he thought I was either.