Thursday, April 06, 2006

Well look at that - it's the sun!

My Mom always told me that things look brighter in the morning. Maybe it was the only way she could get me to stop moping about whatever was eating at me long enough to get me to finish my homework and go to bed, but whatever the case, it always seemed that she was right.

And it still holds true.

I feel much better today, and honestly I'm a little embarrassed by my rant yesterday. I'm not embarrassed about feeling the way I did, I'm just a little sorry that I posted about it while it was still so fresh. I sounded so angry, and I'm kind of ashamed of that. I don't want anyone who is pregnant to think that I'm secretly seething inside the whole time I'm with them or talking to them. I'm not.

It's just that for some reason yesterday it was really difficult to talk about baby things for as long as I did.

I love babies. I love hearing about babies, I'm happy when I hear a friend is going to have one, and I'm very much looking forward to seeing who our new little neighbour is going to be. I am.

But it still sometimes sucks the life right out of me to participate so fully in baby talk and to pretend that it doesn't hurt all the while. Because it does, even when I'm happy for the mom and dad.

It's one of those lovely side effects of losing a child, I suppose. You lose your ability to participate fully in the joy of someone else's pregnancy no matter how much you might want to. And I hate that.

But I also hate that I let everyone know that with such alarming vehemence. I'm always afraid people with children and people who are pregnant will shut me out for fear of further wounding me, so I work hard to make them feel comfortable around me.

And then I go shooting my mouth off and alienate them. Pretty clever, eh?

Forgive me. I have the rest of my life to figure all this out and learn coping techniques that don't include multiple expletives and bitter vitriol.

I'll get there. I will.

11 comments:

Chrissy said...

I don't think you have to apologize at all. (((((Hugs))))

Carolyn said...

Sweetheart, you are not alienating anyone! You have every right to feel the way you do and to rant about it. Those who love you (and everybody does!) are hear to listen - I've said it a brazillion times before, but what I wouldn't do to just take a tiny piece of your grief away for you, to help lessen your load.

Bronwyn said...

Being able to have a good rant every now and then is part of what being a blogger is all about! I'm glad you're feeling better today. I understand the tumult of feelings that goes with talking to pregnant women, people with babies, grandparents, etc., etc. It's a wonder we're able to normal conversations at all, lol!

Erin said...

Don't be ashamed. No need to apologize at all. (((((HUGS)))))

Catherine said...

I'm saying this with love...knock it off! Anger is a very real part of the grieving process. You should worry if you don't feel angry. And if you don't vent that anger every now and then it will eat you up from the inside out. This is your safe place...a place where we all understand...so vent away...and stop apologizing for it!

Margaret said...

It's us who's intruding on your private thoughts here...there's no need for you to apologize for how you feel!

I'd worry if you DIDN'T feel some anger and resentment over how things are. It isn't fair and I would do anything if I could take the pain away.

Sherry said...

You never need to apologize for your feelings!

We've been stung by the biggest stinger there is, so sometimes we can't handle hearing all those wonderful things that we should also be doing. Some days there just isn't enough happy dust to go around! (((HUGS)))

Julie said...

Kiristin, please please don't be embarrassed., or apologize for getting your feelings out and venting. Those of us who have lost a child most likely feel the same way. We totally understand. This is YOUR blog, and your place to get it all out, so take advantage of that, and we will all be right here to listen.

Laura said...

Kristin,
I'm new at this whole thing, but it seems to me that you should say anything you feel like. And I definately don't think you should apologize. If you need to have a Sally Fields/Steel Magnolias Moment, you go for it, girl. We're the ones who are "peeking at your thinks." And they don't make me think that you are nutso, they make me believe that what I'm feeling is okay. Hugs, hugs, hugs...

kate said...

I agree with everybody, no need to apologize. Letting it out is what a blog is for. And yes, you will figure it out, but it will still sting and you will need to talk about the sting. How could you not?

Nikki said...

Kristin (((((HUGS)))))) please dont apologize for saying what your feeling, your getting things out and thats the best therapy, your friends all love you and admire you and respect you and never once have I felt alienated by you, Im the one who wishes I could make things better, ease your pain, give you Thomas back and it hurts to hear you think your hurting us, never!!!! I love to hear your words and your thoughts and I find it a privelage to be able to read your blog, so please dont apologize and always be true to your heart about how you feel, all of understand..some more than others. (((HUGE HUGS)))))