Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Identity crisis

I've always had at the very least a vague notion of who I was. Or what I was going to be. Or what I wanted to become.

And I realized today, as I was wandering from the bank to the grocery store to pick up some things I forgot yesterday, that I don't have that clarity anymore.

I have no idea who I am.

I know how this happened. I know very well that the turmoil of trying and losing and trying and losing and trying and burying and healing and trying and losing has done this to me. I'm aware of the path that lead me to this distressing Tuesday afternoon realization.

My problem is, how do I fix it?

I feel like I'm lost inside this person who breeds nothing but pain. I've hurt so many people in the process of trying to bring a child into the world, and it's a terrible, gnawing, awful feeling.

They will say, My Beloved and my therapist, that it's not my fault - that I didn't do anything. That I am not to blame.

But I'm the vessel. I'm the great hope. And I'm nothing but hopeless.

Part of the reason I'm reluctant to talk about the whole baby business here is because I'm terrified of dragging people I love along with me for yet another hellish ride.

There are days, moments really, when I wish that I could just go away. Leave everyone and everything behind and disappear, never to wound again.

I love too much to do this, not to mention the fact that I'm far too needy to wander off and start a new life away from everyone I adore and depend on.

But the fantasy is lovely. Imagine a life where no one expected anything of me. Where no one could be hurt by me. Where no one pitied me, worried about me, or waited, with bated breath, for good news from me. Just imagine that.

I suppose no one has that kind of life. And I know the grass is always greener and I'm lucky as hell to have so many people who do care so much about me when there are people in the world who are desperately lonely - and very much alone.

I just wish I didn't feel like all I've done is let the people I love down and bring them such unbearable sorrow.

It's a pretty shitty feeling.

10 comments:

Julia said...

You know, this is the reason I haven't been telling my mother anything about our attempts for the last six months or so-- I didn't want to lead her on, to also carry the burden of responsibility for her emotions. But the thing is, your Beloved and your therapist are both right-- it's not your fault, and it is also not your responsibility. Yes other people hurt for you, but it's not by you.

Catherine said...

Imagine a life where no one expected anything of me. Where no one could be hurt by me. Where no one pitied me, worried about me, or waited, with bated breath, for good news from me.

Nobody EXPECTS anything of you. We HOPE FOR you. Nobody is hurt BY you. We hurt WITH you. Nobody pities you, worries about you, or waits, with bated breath, for good news from you. We love you...and the rest is just a natural result of that love.

You can't tell people how to feel. They will feel what they feel because they love you...whether you try to orchestrate what information they have access to or not. You can just as well spit into the wind as try to convince people who love you not to feel for you. Why do you feel responsible? Who said you should only be the bearer of good news to be worthy of that love and support?

Angela said...

Yeah, you'd have to a hermit to have that kind of life, and who wants to do that?

::hugs::

Granny said...

I've been lurking far more than commenting because you don't know me.

This time I had to say something.

How could any of the heartbreak you've experienced possibly be your fault?

Catherine said it much better.

niobe said...

And I have to say that the fact that your motivation for wanting to run away is not to hurt those you love says a lot about who you are

In contrast, my motivations for wanting to run away are, uh, somewhat different.

ess said...

Good gravy woman... How many times do we have to say you didn't hurt us, that you did nothing wrong, that it isn't your fault before you believe us.

We wouldn't lie to you. None of us think that anything that has happened has anything to do with you.

Also... unless you've had a number of immaculate conceptions, we've both been complicit in the shenanigans we've had for the last number of years. So if you're to blame then so am I. Right?

Stop being a sillyhead.

amywild said...

I don't know if you remember me from the ivillage boards, but I think about you and Sandy often, and wonder how things are going...

I had to post something in response to your post, although everyone else seems to have have said it already: the people who care about you hurt with you, not because of you.

Please, please, please try to let the guilt about what has happened go, none of this is your fault, or your responsibility. I don't think that anyone could possibly blame you for anything.

I just wanted to add ((hugs)) and the hope that tomorrow is a better day.

amywild

PS. I really hope that you have some recollection of who I am. Otherwise, 1) I look like a wierdo for posting... which I'm not... really.. and 2) I look like a jerk for adding in my 2 cents.

missing_one said...

I've learned not to expect anything.
When you got pregnant with the twins, I was excited for you and then when you lost them, I was sad for you. But that's what we are here for, to share in the joys and shed tears in the sadeness.

So we'll hope right along with you, but we'll certainly not expect anything....we've all learned that lesson once or twice.

(I hope you don't stop posting)

kate said...

what everyone else said! And please don't stop posting here!

B said...

But the fantasy is lovely. Imagine a life where no one expected anything of me. Where no one could be hurt by me. Where no one pitied me, worried about me, or waited, with bated breath, for good news from me. Just imagine that.


Imagine...... a life without love.