I've always had at the very least a vague notion of who I was. Or what I was going to be. Or what I wanted to become.
And I realized today, as I was wandering from the bank to the grocery store to pick up some things I forgot yesterday, that I don't have that clarity anymore.
I have no idea who I am.
I know how this happened. I know very well that the turmoil of trying and losing and trying and losing and trying and burying and healing and trying and losing has done this to me. I'm aware of the path that lead me to this distressing Tuesday afternoon realization.
My problem is, how do I fix it?
I feel like I'm lost inside this person who breeds nothing but pain. I've hurt so many people in the process of trying to bring a child into the world, and it's a terrible, gnawing, awful feeling.
They will say, My Beloved and my therapist, that it's not my fault - that I didn't do anything. That I am not to blame.
But I'm the vessel. I'm the great hope. And I'm nothing but hopeless.
Part of the reason I'm reluctant to talk about the whole baby business here is because I'm terrified of dragging people I love along with me for yet another hellish ride.
There are days, moments really, when I wish that I could just go away. Leave everyone and everything behind and disappear, never to wound again.
I love too much to do this, not to mention the fact that I'm far too needy to wander off and start a new life away from everyone I adore and depend on.
But the fantasy is lovely. Imagine a life where no one expected anything of me. Where no one could be hurt by me. Where no one pitied me, worried about me, or waited, with bated breath, for good news from me. Just imagine that.
I suppose no one has that kind of life. And I know the grass is always greener and I'm lucky as hell to have so many people who do care so much about me when there are people in the world who are desperately lonely - and very much alone.
I just wish I didn't feel like all I've done is let the people I love down and bring them such unbearable sorrow.
It's a pretty shitty feeling.