Wednesday, January 09, 2008

This 'n that. Again.

I promised a raspberry bran muffin recipe.

I lied.

I'll post it (although I don't know who, beside My Beloved and I who share a strange preoccupation with fibre and its myriad sources, will care) but not today. Because the recipe is alllll the way downstairs. And I'm not.
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Sometimes my vacuum cleaner sounds like Chewbacca. Usually, for some reason, when I'm doing our bedroom. This amuses me no end.

And I needed to share.

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I know I haven't talked about our baby and/or adoption plans here for quite some time. To be honest I really haven't talked about them anywhere for quite some time. Except, of course, with My Beloved.

I know it's odd, given how much information I've divulged in the past, but for some reason I just want to hold it all close to me right now. It feels like all I've done for nearly five years now is raise hopes and dash them. Over and over and over again.

We do have a plan. More or less. As much of a plan as it's possible to have under the circumstances (we've learned the hard way how laughable it is to make "firm" plans), but for now they belong to us.

We've trod some very difficult ground together with our whole worlds watching, and we just need to go it alone for a while.

With, please, no questions asked.

I'm not being cryptic here. I'm not pregnant. I'm just saying the silence is on purpose. We need the space. I need the space.

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Want to know something un-fucking-believable? I would have been having the twins next month. NEXT. MONTH.

I was due right around Thomas' birthday (the 9th of March), but I would have been induced at 37 or 38 weeks if I hadn't already had them.

So it would have been February.

Again with the "would haves".

I'm so done with the would haves...

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I haven't had chocolate in days.

This would probably account for yesterday's fantasy about diving naked into a gigantic caramel-filled chocolate so I could swim around in it, taking in great gulps of caramel and nibbling at the sides of the chocolate.

It's possible that I may love chocolate just a little too much.

11 comments:

Lori said...

no questions from me. I understand your need for space and privacy totally!

chocolate and caramel? That surely is heaven!

(((hugs)))

Kim said...

I feel ya on the "would haves". I would have been giving birth next month too or would have been 6 months pregnant with my twins.

So, if you happen upon a chocolate/peanut butter pool...let me know. ;o)

Catherine said...

I'm going to hope for you whether you share or not. And you can't stop me. So there! (I'm sticking my tongue out at you right now.)

Seriously...I hope you know that I'm here for whatever support I can give whenever you need it. {{{hugs}}}

And really...no chocolate? I think you must be insane.

Megan said...

Delurking to say I won't even get into the "would haves" (although I tend to think of them as SHOULD haves).
But I will say that I share your households preoccupation with fibre.
Also, I'll try not to even wonder about your plans but can I hope they go swimmingly?

miraclebaby said...

I understand your need to keep it a secret. We all have times when it's too hard to share for one reason or another. But, in my heart, I am still hoping for you, too. I think of you often.

delphi said...

I appreciate the need for privacy, for sure.

I hope that you can find weight watchers recipes that start fulfilling your need for chocolate. The person who invents chocolate that tastes like chocolate, melts in your mouth like chocolate, and fulfills like chocolate, with no calories or fat or sugar, will be a multi-gazillionaire.

Ruby said...

I'm thinking of you...and wondering what Chewbacca sounds like. Now where did I put that movie?

Julia said...

It is more than understandable that you need the time and space. When you are ready to talk about it, we will listen. In the meantime, we will hope.
And read about the things you want to tell us about.
Take your time in that space that is for the two of you.

Denise said...

I think you have been more than generous sharing your life with us. Take all the space/time you need. In the mean time I will quietly hope and pray for good things to come your way.((((hugs)))

Nikki said...

I have felt priveleged and honoured to be able to look into your head even for just a little while and read about your thoughts, feeling and emotions during these past several years. To share your innermost thoughts with so many of us can be a little therapeutic and a little bit intrusive all wrapped up into one. I firmly believe good news will come your way someway, somehow and I will continue to hold on to that hope for you and S. You truly are one remarkable, strong, courageous woman that I am glad to have had the opportunity to become a friend to. You know that so many people will support you and hug you along the way in whatever decision you decide to embark on...sending yummy chocolate your way and big ((((((HUGS))))))

Bronwyn said...

Nikki (and others above) said it all very well. I will be sending positive family-building vibes your way and hoping that the universe doesn't make you wait too much longer.

And there is no such thing as loving chocolate too much... ;)