I'm so afraid of the Christmas meltdown. I've been keeping it together - pushing down all the worst, saddest thoughts - and doing a pretty good job, if I do say so myself. But I think I feel it coming.
I was cleaning up the wrapping paper, bows and tags this afternoon - sorting, tossing, re-rolling and packing away - while listening to Christmas carols on the radio. It was fine, because I was pretending. But then a very sweet carol came on and just about did me in. I was ignoring it - paying attention to the sound, not the words as I scurried around picking up bits of paper and putting the leftover bows in a box - but something made me stop. I heard the words, looked at the tree...
And started to cry.
Fortunately the song was ending and some stupid boxing day sale commercial came on - either that or Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree. Anyway, something inane snapped me out of my descent into Christmas hell.
It all came on so suddenly. Ugh, I just don't know how much longer I can be strong - I know it's only a few more days and it'll all be over, but I'm not sure I can make it.
And oh my God I don't want to face the meltdown.
I know it would be better (healthier, I mean) if I just let go - sobbed, screamed, yelled, swore - but it would be as painful as reopening the scar on my tummy and pouring salt in the wound. I know it would. And I can't do it - I don't want to do it.
But I think it's coming whether I like it or not...