It occurred to me today that I'll never again feel comfortable saying, "when the baby's born" or "when the baby comes home" - or any one of those optimistic, hopeful and completely normal phrases.
How can all that innocence be gone?
I can barely even remember a time when I was that innocent. I don't want to be that hard-edged, crusty old curmudgeon who people can't stand to be around. I don't want to grow into that woman. But sometimes I feel I'm on the fast-track to just that. I've bought a one-way, completely non-refundable ticket to Old Biddysville. Correction - I was handed the ticket.
I wish I was the girl I used to be. She wasn't perfect by any means, but she didn't have the sense that a black cloud was following her through life and that the gods were lurking in every dark corner just waiting for the right moment to jump out and yell "boo!".
I wish I had that glorious feeling that anything was possible if I just put my mind to it. I wish I still believed that good things happened all the time just because that's the way life should be.
I wish gangs didn't gun down innocent boxing day shoppers. I wish children weren't abused. I wish people didn't live on the streets because it was the only place they felt comfortable enough to exist. I wish babies didn't die when they were 20 hours old.
I wish I still believed that everything was going to be okay.