Wednesday, December 28, 2005

Wishing for innocence

It occurred to me today that I'll never again feel comfortable saying, "when the baby's born" or "when the baby comes home" - or any one of those optimistic, hopeful and completely normal phrases.

How can all that innocence be gone?

I can barely even remember a time when I was that innocent. I don't want to be that hard-edged, crusty old curmudgeon who people can't stand to be around. I don't want to grow into that woman. But sometimes I feel I'm on the fast-track to just that. I've bought a one-way, completely non-refundable ticket to Old Biddysville. Correction - I was handed the ticket.

I wish I was the girl I used to be. She wasn't perfect by any means, but she didn't have the sense that a black cloud was following her through life and that the gods were lurking in every dark corner just waiting for the right moment to jump out and yell "boo!".

I wish I had that glorious feeling that anything was possible if I just put my mind to it. I wish I still believed that good things happened all the time just because that's the way life should be.

I wish gangs didn't gun down innocent boxing day shoppers. I wish children weren't abused. I wish people didn't live on the streets because it was the only place they felt comfortable enough to exist. I wish babies didn't die when they were 20 hours old.

I wish I still believed that everything was going to be okay.


Sue said...

Dear Kristin,
I do not remember if I have ever left you a post...and to be honest, I do not remember how I came across your blog, but I have been keeping up with it for a good while.
I just wanted to say I am so sorry for your loss and hope so much that you and your Beloved will try again. You sound like such a loving warm person with so much have so much to share.
The picture you recently posted was so beautiful. I hope the candle brought some peace for your broken heart.
God bless you and yours and may 2006 bring you much peace and happiness.

lauralu said...

it's a shame that i only realized after it was gone that ignorance truly is bliss.

Sarah said...

For me right now i feel like the only way to move forward is to do it without any rose colored glasses. Nothing and no one can guarentee that things will be ok. Somehow just accepting that instead of trying to convince myself that it will be ok makes me feel better...